… reacts to American Idol Top 9

One of my bestest friends in the whole wide world, Vivian “Shiver Me Timbers” Dubois, informed me this weekend that my greatest failure in life, besides being single and broke and kind of a boring person in general, is that I’m soooo slow with the turnaround on my American Idol recaps. Well, at least that is something I can fix.

But not this week.



As you can see… this post is going up on the vigil of the next episode of American Idol, about four days after anybody cared. My goal for next week is to have a recap up, oh, I don’t know… by the weekend? Don’t hold your breath.

If you will recall (who can possibly, though, because it was, like, two weeks ago), Michael Sarver was cut loose from the competition after a lackluster performance during Motown week. It was totally his time, because while we may have loved his rough neck, we did not enjoy his rough performance. *crickets*

I must be tired.

This week features songs plucked from the iTunes Top 100, which should mean that our Idols will be singing current hits. NOT SO, as the episode revealed…



First to perform is Anoop. He’s chosen Caught Up by Usher, which was a hit five years ago. I suppose five-year-old hits are “current” in the American Idol universe. All it does for me is make me feel old. I think I still have Old Navy polo shirts from when this was a hit and that’s… kind of embarrassing, actually. Anyway, it’s not great. He’s pitchy throughout, the dancing is unconvincing, and every time he goes up high in his range he makes the stink face.



I think he thinks that face is sexy. It’s not. I can appreciate what Anoop is trying to do here, which is recapture the snarl and attitude of My Prerogative, but there was something appealing about the irony of that song-choice, whereas this performance seems desperate. Randy actually cut close to the issue with Anoop (I know, shock) when he commented on the dubious direction Anoop is headed with his song choices. Word, Randy. The other judges say a bunch of other stuff (Kara had a great soundbyte about how it seemed like Anoop was dared to sing that song by a bunch of blitzed-out frat boys), but the real discussion focuses on who Anoop wants to be as a performer. He says that he chose Usher because he wants to be an R&B artist. That’s admirable, I suppose, but he has to consider the possibility that he doesn’t quite fit the image of an R&B star. I’m not saying it could never happen for him, but seriously… he ain’t Usher and never will be. (P.S. What was up with those chains around the shoulders of his blazer? I mean… that doesn’t even make sense. If you want to wear an epaulet, be my guest, but please… go all the way.)



As Megan Joy takes the stage, I must again reflect on how I feel about her. I still like her. I still celebrate her for the potential of her style and voice. And yet, she continues to deliver disappointing performances. They haven’t been terrible, as the judges would like us to think, but they have failed to meet my expectations. Tonight, she has chosen to sing Turn Your Lights Down Low, which is a song I haven’t heard, because when it was covered by Lauryn Hill in 1999, I was submerged in Freshman Music Theory. I don’t even remember seeing daylight back then, much less hearing obscure covers of Bob Marley songs on the radio. Now FOR ME, there were some nice moments in this performance… I’m still very much invested in the unique vocal style she has, but I have to agree with the judges when they say the song choice didn’t do her any favors. Randy nails it again (he’s on fire tonight) when he says that just because one loves a song, doesn’t mean one should perform it. Someone give Randy a cookie. Simon, meanwhile, is just mean – to the tune of “boring, monotonous, and indulgent.” In Simon’s world, indulgence is the greatest sin, because it’s a complete disregard for the audience. I don’t know if I would have gone that far, but he got the boring and monotonous parts right.



I’m afraid that the nation has abandoned me, you guys. Everywhere I turn, people are starting to warm up to Danny Gokey. Even the ones who were firmly on my side while he pimped his dead wife have become sucked into his gross, youth-pastory ickiness. RESIST, people… RESIST! Tonight, my inner torment takes the shape of Gokey singing What Hurts the Most, by Rascal Flatts. Apparently, Gokey is under the impression that everyone likes Rascal Flatts. I debunk that idea with my very existence. So the song is certainly right up Gokey’s alley, what with the spewing of uncontainable emotion and the figurative vomiting of his heart… and I almost buy it. But he screams the entire song. I’m sorry, he does. There is even spit. He is so aggressive with his emotions – it’s like he will beat me to a pulp with his voice until I FEEL. Is he so insincere that the only way to convey raw emotion is to SCREAM AT ME!? Clearly, Danny Gokey can do nothing right for me, which is how it’s probably going to stay unless he is actually able to come to my house and scream a song into my ear, forcing me into the same brainwashed state as the rest of America. The judges, on the other hand, are infatuated. It’s fine, I get it, I get it… but seriously, Simon, how was that performance NOT indulgent?



What’s Allison been up to, besides rolling around in a pool of pink glitter and fug? She’s been re-inventing No Doubt’s greatest single, Don’t Speak (and if you’re keeping track, that song came out in 1996). To start, it’s just Allison and her guitar, strumming the opening strains of the first verse. There are moments when she rushes the beat and loses all sense of rhythm, but thankfully, the band joins in before it gets too out of hand. This was not a great performance, which is really sad because I think I like what she tried to do. It was all a great idea that got lost in sloppy execution. The judges don’t get around to saying any of that because they’re all distracted by the hideous outfit. It is certainly hideous, like MOST hideous, but I feel like I have to agree with Kara in her controversial interview (the one that pissed Simon and Paula off) when she said that the other judges like to critique the clothes, while she likes to critique the performances. In this case, and I think Kara tried to say this, the “rock” image Allison was going for with the clothes actually took away from the “rock” performance she could have had. The ROCK is in you, Allison. Be the ROCK.



When Ryan Seacrest calls Scott MacIntyre the Piano Man before his performance, I got myself all jazzed up to hear one of my all time favorite songs EVER, but… turns out he’s singing Just the Way You Are. It’s not Piano Man, but it will do in a pinch. Scott’s performance is behind the piano (I think he’s settled on staying there for good, no matter what Paula thinks), and while I continue to be impressed by his playing, he just gets boringer and boringer every week. We’re talking tedious. Having said that, I thought his vocal improved from last week. The hair, however, got worse. How do we keep going backwards with the hair? Since he can’t see it, there has to be someone in his circle (a family member, a well-wisher, a pet) with seriously flawed style.



Matt Giraud, a recent member of the Bottom 3 Brigade, is set to stage a comeback with tonight’s performance. He expects to do so with a song by The Fray, the world’s best-at-boring band. I’m not sure why he is so eager to revisit the piano rock genre (remember Vida La Vida and how that turned out?), but at least his song choice, You Found Me, is actually current. It’s a first for the night. He’s humping a keyboard down in the moshpit, which is totally cool, but all that energy around him seems to throw him off. I can hear his nerves, especially in his vibrato – it’s shaky just like it was in the Coldplay song. However, I appreciate the growl in his voice at certain parts and his falsetto near the end is on point as usual. After the song, the judges get to play their favorite game: how do we solve a problem like Matt Giraud. Usually, I find these pin the genre on the contestant discussions to be rather insulting, but I think with Matt Giraud it’s warranted, because seriously… who IS he? Is he a pop singer? Is he an R&B singer? Is he the next Chris Martin or the next Justin Timberlake? I think he could be either, but he needs to pick and SOON because he has weaknesses in both styles and continuing this never-ending search for his identity will only get him more and more lost. It’s like, stop and ask for directions before you hit the point of no return. Some good news: I thought Matt looked very cute tonight. I don't know what he did differently, but it's working.



Speaking of problems: Lil Rounds. The problem is I can’t remember her. When the girls in the typing pool and I meet around the water cooler every Wednesday morning, the one contestant we always forget to discuss is Lil Rounds. That’s a shame! I don’t think she’s boring, really, but she isn’t doing anything to stand out. She needs an Idol moment and STAT. Tonight, she’s going to attempt I Surrender by Celine Dion, and I’m excited because I think this song could be her best shot at an Idol Moment since she invoked The Blige back in Week 1. And darn it if it isn’t kind of blah… again. I don’t get it. I’m hoping the judges can help shed some light on all of this but they get distracted by Lil’s gorgeous little girls (well played, Lil… well played). Meanwhile, I’m distracted by the back of Lil’s dress. I don’t want to be mean, but girlfriend, where are your Spanx? They smooth and shape.



The wild applause that greets Adam Lambert’s pre-package is stunned into silence with the announcement that he will be singing Play That Funky Music, White Boy. I’m confused, too. He has decided to stick with last week’s hair, which I like because it means we can see both sides of his face, but he’s dressed like the lost member of the Osmonds, you know, the one who we never see because he’s a homo? What I like about Adam is he can convey energy without launching himself around the stage like he’s just been tazzed (*cough* Gokey). What I don’t like about Adam is his strange need to overuse his banshee scream. I know he has it and I’m happy to hear it when it’s appropriate, but it can get a little… predictable. What I LOVE about Adam is his graciousness – he used his time on stage to thank the band! Such class, such grace… Danny Gokey would never do that. Oh, and Kara? Studio Fifty-what?



Who called Vanessa Williams? We just saved the best for last! Kris Allen is last to take the stage with his re-imagining of Ain’t No Sunshine. I’m not familiar with this song (I know… it’s a travesty) so I’m not really sure how much he changed things around. All I know is: I loved every frikkin’ minute. This guy is so incredibly talented. He sings, he plays the guitar, he has keyboard chops (he’s HAWT!)… is there anything he can’t do? And the arrangement was absolutely inspired – it had good dynamics, it built well into the climax, and the staging with the strings was a brilliant touch. Loved it loved it loved it. Yes Kara… That. Is. Artistry.

Results…

Before the results show I prayed.

“Dear God – make Megan Joy a bird, so she can fly far; far, far away from here.”

Ask and receive, my friends. After last night’s egg-bath from the judges and that strange feeling she just didn’t care anymore, the voters sent Megan Joy back to the cornfields to caw to her heart’s content. I thought Simon was unnecessarily brutal, but I’m starting to think the “judges save” exists exactly for that reason – it gives Simon even more time to be a douche. As brutal as he was, I can’t say Megan handled herself with much poise either, but maybe it IS better to just say the hell with it and act like a jackass. It’s probably much more fun.

Speaking of jackass… Lady Gaga. I love that bitch, but that performance of hers was just… it was… I don’t… ??

P.S. Getting kicked off American Idol can’t be all that bad if it includes a bear hug from you-know-who!



BONUS:::



Mmmm... sexy face...

…reacts to American Idol Top 10

One of the perks of my new job is having co-workers who are just as obsessed with American Idol as I. So it was only a matter of time before we arranged our first ever American Idol party! I absolutely adore the girls in the typing pool!

We’ve managed to assemble a good cross-section of tastes too. It wouldn’t be nearly as much fun if we all liked the same singers. My girl, H., loves Allison the best, S. is an Adam Lambert groupie, and G. is firmly on Team Gokey – we give her a hard time about that, but love her anyway. I’ve been reluctant to pick a favorite so early (I always end up getting disappointed), so for the purposes of this event I decided to back Kris Allen. He was my favorite last week, so I figure… what the hell…

So we met at G.’s house, had some cocktails, made some silly signs to wave around, ate some junk food, and sat down to enjoy our first group American Idol watch. As fun as it was, slicing and dicing each performance (and each outfit) as it came up, I found that my focus wasn’t as tight. I only remembered a few of the performances, and even those were a little hazy a couple of hours later. So my coverage will again be short and sweet, but maybe that’s a good thing…



Proceed to the jump…

So this is Motown week, apparently (I hadn’t realized), and our lovely yet entirely unhelpful guest mentor is Smokey Robinson. I love these songs and everything, but I’m really itching to hear these singers take on some current songs.



First up is Matt Giraud singing Let’s Get It On. This song has always made me uncomfortable… probably because the lyrics bring out the prude in me. Sorry, nine years of Catholic school does something to you that cannot be undone. Anyway, he starts at the piano (booooring) but quickly gets up and takes it to the audience. Matt continues to impress me. If his vocals continue to be this good, I think he’ll be contender for the Final 5 or so. Randy is still pushing the Justin Timberlake comparison, which is more than generous, in my opinion, but hey… if Matt keeps these kinds of performances coming, maybe he will have earned it.



Good God, what is Kris Allen wearing? Did he bedazzle a military shirt? Is this what we can expect if DADT is repealed? Whatever, he’s still hot. Tonight he sings How Sweet It Is with his trusty guitar on his shoulder. It’s good – not as good as last week – but good. As much as I like him (and as cute he is) he needs to have great performances every week if he’s going to survive in this group of awesome male vocalists. He’s probably in third place at the moment, behind Adam and Danny, but Matt and Anoop are right behind him. And then there’s always Lil and Allison to consider. Yeah, he has to deliver every single time with memorable performances and top-notch vocals if he wants to make it.



One of the girls in the typing pool, and I won’t say who, is so absolutely angry about Scott MacIntyre that she’s probably going to hell. She’s being saying all along that he doesn’t have the chops or the personality – he’s been getting along based solely on the fact that he is blind. We all wince when she says it, but you know, she’s right. At least tonight’s performance brought her some satisfaction. This was… not good. His rendition of You Can’t Hurry Love was mediocre at best, and we’re finally starting to hear how flawed his voice is. He has some great moments, for sure, but there are parts of his range that fly straight up his nose. Sometimes he sounds like a goose. Or a buzzer. You know? And you know the party’s over when the judges have been given permission to criticize him, which they do tonight. So, Scott’s days are numbered. But seriously… well done on the pink pants. Why not wear horrendous colors, especially when you don’t have to look at them. Sheesh.



The girls in the typing pool are obsessed with Megan Joy’s tattoo. I mean, I don’t think we even watched her performance because we got sucked into a debate on the pros and cons of body-ink. You know, I don’t think her tattoo is particularly cute either, but do we really have to spend 10 minutes talking about how, when, and why she got it? Do we really care that much? All I know is she sang For Once In My Life and it was alright, but Simon, who used to be her biggest fan, did NOT like it and told her she was in trouble.



Anoop, who still hasn’t managed those eyebrows of his, is going to sing Ooh Baby Baby which is the prettiest song with the most unfortunate name in the whole world. It’s another terrific performance, and one in which Anoop gets to show off his amazing falsetto skills. I’m not sure why he dressed like he just got out of study hall, but I guess that’s his thing.



Michael Sarver is here to tell us that he Ain’t Too Proud to Beg. Well, I’m begging him to go away. Yes, I’ve had it. It’s so hard to believe that I actually liked him for awhile. Compared to the rest of the field, he’s nothing but a better-than-average karaoke singer, and that just doesn’t cut it anymore. And he sings like he’s having a seizure. All that jaw-flexing and facial ticking… singing should not appear painful!



Lil Rounds is ready for her closeup as she sings Heatwave. I love this song, although I can’t hear it without thinking of the opening of Sister Act (CLASSIC!). She looks fantastic… new weave and a gorgeous flapper dress. The singing, however, is… just ok. She gets a little screechy and screamy, especially during the yeah-yeah section, which I’m tempted to forgive because it’s hard NOT to scream a bunch of yeah-yeahs, but it wasn’t her best vocal. I really need Lil to have an Idol moment here soon, because she’s borderline boring and I can’t stand the idea of her leaving before the Final 5.



The highlight of the night has to go to Adam Lambert. Why? Because YUM! Somehow, the girls and I didn’t see Adam when all the Idols came out at the start of the show, so when the lights hit him at the beginning of this performance, we all went a little slack-jawed. I may have drooled. He sang Tracks of My Tears entirely in falsetto, and it was sooo beautiful. And I don’t know if he meant to channel a young Elvis, but if he did, I guess I finally understand what my mom is always talking about. Simon called it the best performance of the night (DAMN STRAIGHT RIGHT) and Smokey stood up to applaud. The girls all said they were moist at the end of it. First I said eww! but then I said me too.



Here comes Hokey Gokey to kill my buzz. And dammit if he isn’t singing one of my favorite songs, Get Ready. To be fair, I didn’t hate it as much as I could have… I thought his vocals were great. But there’s something about the way he performs that irritates me. I thought it might be his tendency to run around and jump and act all sugared up, because there’s energetic and then there’s crazy, but that doesn’t quite seem to cover it. I’ll have to think on this further. At least Simon finally stopped pimping him so much. Maybe the tides are turning.



Finishing the show is Allison with Papa Was A Rolling Stone. Allison is another person in danger of being a little bit boring, despite her amazing talents. You have to switch things up every single episode to keep the fans in your corner, and I’m not sure Allison is giving us a whole lot of variety. Clearly she’s a great singer so I’m pulling for her, but she has to step out of her comfort zone soon or she’ll just be buried in the middle of the pack.


Results!

No surprise there. Michael Sarver got the boot. I really won’t miss him. The big surprise though was seeing Matt land in the bottom 3. That’s like… a travesty. It’s probably a good thing, though… he had a little scare so America will keep him out of the bottom for a little while. That’s how these things work. At least Scott wound up down there – he totally deserved it. I hope he underperforms again and goes home next week.

…reacts to American Idol Top 11

I had to miss this episode because of work, so all I had to go on were grainy videos of their performances and the inane ramblings of thousands of commenters on various American Idol fansites. Since I didn’t hear what the judges said, I have no idea how I’m supposed to feel about these performances, so I’m heading into this recap lost and confused, which seems appropriate actually, because that’s usually how I feel about everything. Therefore, my thoughts on this past week’s show are mercifully short and sweet (or short and VICIOUS, if we’re talking about the Hokey Gokey), but also full of insight and truth. Or whatever.

It’s no secret that country is my least-favorite genre, ESPECIALLY in the context of this show, so pardon me in advance if my opinions are based solely on how much I hate the songs. I try not to be that way most of the time, but what can I say? Country music makes me cranky.



Completely unbiased (or not) reactions after the jump.



Michael Sarver gets a big ‘ol meh from me this week. He sang Ain’t Going Down ‘Til the Sun Comes Up and there were lots of words and lots of audience pandering and lots of harmonica. I thought the harmonica player may have upstaged Michael, and that can’t be good.



Allison was great, as usual, but I’m basing that on nothing because I’ve never heard this song before (Blame It on Your Heart) – and frankly, I’m not interested in hearing it again. I continue to love her voice and her moxie, and her interviews keep improving.



Kris Allen is causing a massive personality breach in me, and I don’t know how I feel about it. I know he’s two Bible thumps and a pair of rotten, stupid, awful, moronic fake glasses away from being Danny Gokey – but ya’ll… HE’S SO CUUUUTE!! Normally, no amount of lip-licking and camera-to-eye-intercourse could keep me from hating someone who calls themselves a worship-leader, but Kris Allen totally breaks down all of my cynical, agnostic and bitter barriers until I have no choice but to embrace him fully. I’m even dreaming about him now, which means I am equal parts smitten and DOOMED!



It helps that his song, To Make You Feel My Love, is one of my favorite songs OF ALL TIME, so basically he’s doing everything right in my book.



Lil Rounds, poor thing, hit a wall tonight and that wall is painted in bovine black and white and smells of hay. Country is NOT her thing. I appreciated that she tried to keep it country in her rendition of Independence Day, but I think she would have been better off taking it down the R&B road. Also, Independence Day is one of those country songs, out of many, that make my physically ill.



Adam Lambert is a little bit crazy, it’s true, and while I normally support that kind of behavior, especially on a show that is rapidly approaching its inevitable twilight years, I can’t say I enjoyed this performance very much. First of all, Ring of Fire is actually a good song (it’s Johnny Cash and Johnny Cash transcends country music so I’m not confused by the fact that I like his music) but I thought the arrangement was just wrong. I’m not saying his idea was wrong, in fact it’s been tried before, but it just didn’t land on the right side of the bed on this particularly night. I thought too much of the song was lost – there were moments I totally forgot it was Ring of Fire, which probably wasn’t the intention. I’m tempted to give him an A for effort, but an EEEK!! for how he insists on leering at me like that. It was sexy for a minute – now it’s creepy.



Scott MacIntyre did something different with his hair, so give it up for that, but the singing is still under par. I’m starting to find him boring – not personally really, but vocally. He has the same performance every night, it seems: the same quasi-inspirational, tear-jerker of a song delivered from behind the piano. He needs to branch out. Oh, and Wild Angels? BARF!



Alexis Grace picked Jolene, which has been sung to death on this show. I wasn’t a fan of Brooke’s rendition last year, and this one was probably worse. I didn’t get the feeling that she knew what she singing about – she seemed absent and uninvolved. The vocal wasn’t a train-wreck by any means, but the performance was forgettable.



You know, Danny Gokey isn’t even trying. Jesus, Take the Wheel? Really? He is shameless. I'm embarrased for him. He looks like the Michelin Man. He isn’t doing anything to force me to take him seriously. He is pandering and predictable and poisonous. I’ve never wanted to punch someone so badly in my life. He’s a good singer, though.



Anoop’s performance of You Were Always On My Mind made me want to wave a lighter in the air like I just don’t care. Loved it. He makes me hate country just a little bit less.



Megan Joy has managed to smack her stink on yet another song. It’s weird, though, because her spastic dancing and giant boobs worked well with Walking After Midnight, although I could never have predicted it. I still like the way she sings and as long as she can pick songs that work with her style (more or less), I think she’ll be fine. She’s going to hit a landmine soon, though – her cleavage won’t save her on a sappy ballad or a disco hit.



Matt Giraud probably had the best performance of the night with his rendition of So Small (another song I can’t stand, btw). Unfortunately, I’m already invested in my favorites, and I’m not sure if there’s any room for him in my heart. More performances like that, however, and I may be forced to re-evaluate.

Favs: Kris Allen, Anoop, and Allison
Honorable Mention: Adam Lambert, because I am morbidly fascinated, and Matt because he was awesome.
Decent: Alexis, Lil, Megan, Scott, Michael
HATE: Gokey

Results:

I missed the results show too, but my sources tell me that Alexis got the boot, and I am SHOCKED! And then I’m not, because she didn’t have a chance of winning. I think she probably split the rock-chick demo with Allison and came out on the losing side. It sucks that she’ll miss the tour, which is turning out to be quite the Stag Party. Lil and Megan better tighten their braziers and hoist up their garters – representing for the ladies.

...reacts to American Idol Top 13

You know, even though this is only the first week of the finals, I feel like this season has already gone on too long. Maybe next season I’ll start acting like everyone else I know and tune in only after the finals start. I think it might save me a lot of grief. For one thing, had I not watched from the beginning, I might be fully on board with Danny Gokey, except, no, I have been watching, and I’m still as disgusted with him as ever, which puts me at odds with the rest of America. I’m having flashbacks of last season – I really hated David Cook for most of the first half, and it kind of ruined the whole thing for me, because everyone else and their moms were lifting up their skirts every time he came on stage. And now Danny Gokey is getting similar treatment, and I kind of can’t stand it. One of two things must happen for me to stay on good terms with this season: Gokey gets himself eliminated OR he does something so completely awesome that I’m forced to forget everything I thought about him and re-position him in my brain. David Cook almost did that (I said almost), so it IS possible, but I didn’t hate him nearly as much as I hate Danny Gokey. All I’m saying is I probably won’t ever like Danny Gokey, but I’m opening up the doors for negotiation, but only a smidge, and he will have to work very hard to squeeze through them.

Aaaanyway – here I am, making this whole season about Danny Gokey, which is EXACTLY what the producers want, so I’m part of the problem, I guess.

On to logistics: if you did the smart thing and are just now tuning in, you’ll notice that there are 13 finalists, as opposed to the usual 12. That’s because the judges saved Anoop at the end of last week’s results show. I believe that Anoop was always going to make it, though, so really… someone else got saved and they have Anoop to thank for it. That’s my theory, anyway. Also of note, a new layer to the competition has been added, called the judges’ save. At any point prior to the Top 5, the judges can save an eliminated contestant, thus trumping America’s vote. The next week, all the contestants will compete again, and the two lowest vote totals will get the boot. The judges’ save can only be used ONCE. There has been much bally-hoo about this new development across the interwebs, most of it bad, but I think it’s actually a neat trick. First, the judges aren’t really trumping America’s vote, really, because America is supposed to be voting for their favorite. If that is truly happening, and the person with the least fans is going home at the end of every week, then there wouldn’t be any issue. But on this show, every now and then, an obvious favorite gets screwed over by the fates – sometimes their votes get split, or they have a good but unmemorable performance, or another contestant is suddenly diagnosed with a disease… or whatever. It’s happened before (JHud, Daughtry, Tamyra, etc.) so the judges simply want an insurance policy against irresponsible voting.

Really, they’re trying to save us from ourselves. It might seem like outright manipulation and interference, but really it’s just another way the producers control the outcome. If we’ve managed to get over the transparent way the show pimps certain contestants over others every week of every season thus far, I think we can get over this.

Enough of that. It’s Michael Jackson night, so please hide the children. Recap of performances after the jump…



This is the first week in which the contestants have access to Idol’s cracker-jack glamour squad, and for some reason, they’ve chosen to outfit Lil Rounds in Carrie Bradshaw’s leftovers. The pants don’t fit and there’s a huge floral tumor growing out of her left shoulder. The good news is she is singing The Way You Make Me Feel, which is one of my favorites. I’m a fan of Lil because she manages to inflect her own swagger and style on every song she sings without being ostentatious about it. On this night, her riffs are tasteful, her improvisations are subtle – there’s really nothing to complain about. I think Lil is probably going to tread water like this for the next 6 weeks, which is smart. There’s no need to take any big risks until she has to, and unless she just bombs one night, I think she’s a lock for Top 6. And seriously, if the only thing Simon can think to critique is her outfit, than she’s doing just fine.



There’s more to Scott MacIntyre than being blind and having a hot brother. He also has a blind sister. Tonight, he will sing Keep the Faith (a song I’ve never heard) and play the piano. You know, I have to give him his props because I think it is hard enough to play the piano and sing at the same time, even with SIGHT, so I’m impressed. I just wish the singing was better. He has a nice tone most of the time, but whenever things get out of his natural register, it all goes up his nose. I keep expecting him to honk or something. The judges are complimentary, except for Simon who blasts him for choosing an unknown song (Amen, Simon), but all in all, a good night for Scott. I have to say, though, I found it hard to watch him again… and I’m starting NOT to feel bad about it. I think I would be less creeped out if he wore some sunglasses, but I also don’t expect him to change anything for my own comfort. This is just the way it’s probably going to be… I’m going to continue being uncomfortable and he’s going to keep making me uncomfortable until we get used to one another and the problem is solved on its own. Seriously, though, I haircut would really help. He looks like Richard Simmons.



Damn my eyes and ears, Danny Gokey does not suck. Now his family, on the other hand, with their housework sing-a-longs… they suck. But his performance of P.Y.T. most certainly does not, and it’s killing me a little bit. Even the dancing, which was terrible, came across as cutely self-deprecating and endearing and how the hell am I supposed to hate him for that? And I have to give him credit for picking an upbeat, fun number instead of the “hopeful” and “inspiring” garbage I might have expected. His vocals were a tad screechy and out of control, but even that didn’t bother me as much as it might have under other circumstances. The judges slather on the praise because that’s what they have been programmed to do, and I’m left to wonder what I’m going to do with all of my rage.



Michael Sarver picked You Are Not Alone, which everyone knows, so I’m curious to see what he does with it. It’s got a little country twang to it, not a lot but enough, and he changes the melodies up only slightly, perhaps because he knows that too much change will infuriate the purists. I thought his rendition was a pleasure to listen to, but he needs to work on his facial expressions – sometimes he looks deranged and they mess up his vowels. And can I just say that I’m glad he chose this song, as opposed to Gokey or Scott, because from him I don’t get the sense that he has ulterior motives. The judges rave about his vocals, and both Simon and Kara mention how well he connects to the song emotionally. It’s a good performance, but once it’s over I forget about it immediately.



Out of all the Wildcard contestants, I think Jasmine Murray has the least backing from the populace, probably because she is the weakest vocalist out of the Top 13. I understand why the judges picked her (even if she took a spot that should have gone to Jesse Langseth) – she’s young and poised and cute – but none of that matters if the vocals are bad. Tonight, she takes on I’ll Be There, another song that everyone knows. She looks cute, so there’s that, but again… the vocals are lacking. She’s flat on every high note, which Paula, who is having some kind of night, points out in her critique. I think with Jasmine, the performances have been very blah – decent singing with no personality. If she can’t draw us in her with attitude, then we have nothing to attach to. There are worse singers in the world who make it very far on personality alone, so Jasmine Murray proves that in order to make it, you kind of need both.



Kris Allen is fine as hell, and even though I don’t normally go for his type, I have no issue liking him based purely on looks. Hey… I don’t make the rules – good looking people are just better! He has chosen Remember the Time, another one of my favorites, and he has strapped on his guitar for accompaniment. Strangely, or not really, I don’t remember much about his performance. I do, however, remember his bright smile, tight ass, and cute facial ticks (he licks his lips a lot). I have to count on the judges to fill me in on how the singing went, and apparently it went pretty well. Randy thinks he has a Jason Mraz quality (why? Because he sings out of the side of his mouth? You’ll have to do better than that, Randy…), and Kara and Paula feel the need to make him aware of how sexy he is, which… DUH!! Simon knows how these things work, though, and warns Kris that it might have been too early to introduce the world to his wife, who is in the audience looking quite pissed, actually. Look, Mrs. Allen… this is the world we live in. It isn’t easy having a gorgeous husband at the best of times, so it’s even harder to have a famous, gorgeous husband. Just ask Hugh Jackman’s wife, she knows all about it.



Is it weird that I had no idea that Allison Iraheta was Latina? How did I miss that? Her parents are from El Salvador, and I will say that I can definitely see the Latina in her tonight. Maybe her make-up was different last time I saw her… or something. Anyway, tonight she will perform Give In To Me, another song I don’t know, but it doesn’t matter because it is awesome. There are so many things going for Allison: she has the most authentic rock vocals I’ve ever heard from a female on this show (and I include Kelly Clarkson and Gina Glocksen), plus she is the only one of her kind this season, which should help her. Also, she’s so young; she probably won’t balk at changing things about herself, which is an absolute must in the industry. She does need to work on her off-stage personality a little bit – her interviews are the only times when I can tell she’s kind of awkward and immature. But even then, she’s off-beat and strange, which is never a bad thing.



Ya’ll know Anoop is the annopple of my eye, so this performance of Beat It was like a nightmare for me, and not just because it was terrible. The girls in the typing pool have been giving me a hard time for loving him (they’re all about Kris and Danny, which I don’t begrudge them), so I’ve found myself on the defensive. And this is how Anoop repays me. I thought the performance was pitchy, corny, and amateur. He says he was going for high-energy – all I saw was a guy sapping all the energy right out of the room. Simon nails it, as usual: the song needs to be performed aggressively, and Anoop’s popped collar and new haircut is about as far from aggressive as… well, an upper-middle-class Indian kid performing Michael Jackson. In other words, this was a doomed venture from the very start. I did, however, enjoy the new haircut.



Jorge Nunez’s entire family is crowded around the TV down in Puerto Rico as he takes the stage to perform Never Can Say Goodbye, yet another tune I’ve never heard of. I don’t know what it is, but I really like this guy’s voice… I could listen to him all day. I’m not sure he performs particularly well, because I catch myself looking away pretty often, like to look at a magazine or write out my grocery list. But his singing is excellent. The judges, for some reason, basically throw their drinks at him with criticisms ranging from old-fashioned to unemotional to corny. I don’t understand where all this coming from, because I thought it was fine. I wonder what Jorge did to piss them off… and then I wonder if I really care… and then I think, no I don’t, so I must not care for Jorge too much either. Well played, judges… well played.



Megan Joy is next with her rendition of Rockin’ Robin, which I do know. And I love it. I can’t explain it – I know a lot of people thought it was the pinnacle of suck – but there’s just something about her that works for me. Vocally, I thought her performance was interesting – I loved the quirky little touches here and there. I mean, at least she thought about making the song her own. I think Megan’s biggest challenge is going to be song choice, because frankly, I’m not sure there’s anything in the Michael Jackson songbook that fits her personality. This issue is only going to get worse. What the hell is she going to sing on Latin night? Well, in this instance I don’t really care what the judges think. I enjoyed her performance; I even downloaded it (there’s a first time for everything).



I can’t wait for Adam Lambert to perform in drag. I mean, I don’t think he will (Show will not allow it), but wouldn’t that be something? He has chosen to sing Black or White (FANTASTIC song), but rather than sing it, he runs around the stage like he’s being chased by homophobes. WHY IS HE SCREAMING EVERY WORD!!? I’m a big fan, seriously… I think he’s an amazing vocalist with incredible presence on stage, and I’m excited about his place in Gay/American Idol relations, but I did not enjoy this performance. I want him to sing something along the lines of what he did in Hollywood (Cher’s Believe), because I enjoy hearing actual singing! Anyway, the judges fall over themselves, kissing his ass and otherwise acting ecstatically, which I’m happy about, because that means he’ll stick around for awhile and maybe he can sing something I’ll like.



Matt Giraud has the honor of following Adam Lambert, and I can’t help but sense that the audience hasn’t quite calmed down yet. There’s an intensity in the room that has nothing to do with him. He sings Human Nature at the piano, and honestly, I don’t remember a damn thing about it. I think my ears were still ringing from all of Adam’s carrying on. And since the clock is running out, the judges don’t really have time to critique him. They seem to like him, though, but that might just be because they don’t have time to complain.



The final spot of the night goes to Alexis Grace, and she’s wearing black formal shorts – actually, it might be a onesie. It’s gross, whatever it is. She sings Dirty Diana, which I haven’t heard, but I like and will download immediately after the show. Her vocals are predictably very good – she has good dynamics and the song builds nicely. I dig it. Again, the judges fly through some pointless comments which fall mostly positive, so Alexis can sleep easily, I think.

I had forgotten how exhausting these two hour performance shows can be. I’m seriously tuckered out. At the same time, I’m excited about how many singers I actually like this season. It’s been so long since I’ve cared… I’m feeling things and I’m not sure I appreciate it. My favorites right now are probably Allison, Alexis, Kris and Adam, with the understanding that Kris is only up there because I like to look at him and Adam is kind of on notice after tonight’s performance. The ones in trouble are probably Jasmine (for being the weakest vocalist and kind of boring), Micheal (for disappearing into the background), Anoop (for a truly heinous performance), and Jorge (for not connecting to the audience in any way).

Results!

No point beating around the bush: Jasmine and Jorge go home. And I have the feeling this will be the only elimination episode that doesn’t break my heart. I pretty much like everyone left – some more than others - but it’s safe to say I’ll miss any who leaves. If I try to be objective, though, I’m pulling for early eliminations for Matt G, Scott, Megan, and Michael, but only because I find them the least interesting. I would put Gokey in the same category, but I’m not retarded… I know he’ll be around for awhile whether I like it or not. Anoop needs to turn things around, that’s for sure. And Lil needs to have a breakout performance soon as well, because she is close to being taken for granted as the best singer, which might be true, but she is certainly NOT the most interesting contestant. We might as well rename this season Operation Take Down Danny Gokey, because that’s what it is… already.