Premeditating Dancing with the Stars(?) Season 8

Here we are again – a new season of Dancing with Stars. What kind of shenanigans have the casting people been up to since picking Cloris Leachman?

Here’s the short list:

Belinda Carlisle – former Go-Go
David Alan Grier – comedian specializing in racial (and mostly not funny) humor
Jewel – Prolific singer-songwriter and terrible poet
Shawn Johnson – extremely flexible pixie
Lil Kim – Ex-con and rap star, enjoys showing up in public wearing bedazzled pasties (once fondled by Diana Ross)
Gilles Marini – his penis starred in the Sex and the City movie
Ty Murray – married to Jewel and works in something called Rodeo
Steve-O – Jackass famous for playing a Jackass on a show called Jackass
Nancy O’Dell – holds a microphone for a living
Denise Richardson – used to be married to Charlie Sheen, now stars in a reality tv show about how she used to be married to Charlie Sheen
Lawrence Taylor – this year’s guy who used to play football and was apparently very good at it
Chuck Wicks – sings country and dates Julianne Hough
Steve Wozniak – rich, smart, and besties with Kathy Griffin

The twist this year seems to be pre-established relationships between contestants and partners, which might make it more excited, but will more likely piss me off because of the havoc it will wreak upon the voting. Jewel is married to Ty. Maksim is engaged to Karina (gag!), and Julianne is practically engaged to her partner Chuck. I swear to God, if he proposes to her at any point during a live telecast I will stop watching this show forever.

Anyway – let’s go through them one by one, paying special attention to their chances in the competition, their professional partners, and whether or not they qualify as a star (answer: nope).



Ah Belinda Carlisle… it’s OK that she looks a little stretched out in the face. We lived through Pricilla Presley, so this is nothing. I’m excited to see how she does; I mean, we know she’s got the beat (yuck, yuck) so I think she’ll be proficient at least. And unless she’s found religion or something, I know she has spunk and sass and sexy, so the Latin dances won’t intimidate her like they have so many of the other women on this show. She is paired with Jonathan Roberts, whose best partner so far has been Marie Osmond. That is, until he let her totally trump his authority by forcing him to choreograph some sort of puppetmaster/toyland danse macabre in the finals, from which I may never recover.



I don’t think David Alan Grier has been funny since In Living Color, which isn’t any indication of his dancing abilities, but it might be an indication of how unexcited I am to see him on my television screen. The bright side, I suppose, is he is paired with Kym Johnson, who remains one of my favorite professionals. Kym has come sooo close to winning a trophy, not once but twice, so I find myself in the awkward position of pulling for David Alan Grier. And I don’t think I like it.



The only Jewel album I own is that pop album she released back in ’03 (I think), which was a critical and commercial bomb. I, however, loved it, especially the first single and razorblade commercial, Intuition. But back to the topic at hand, I’ve always liked her, despite her tendency to speak in dizzy metaphors and disconnected parallelisms. Her partner is Dmitry Chaplin, the first of three So You Think You Can Dance alums. I didn’t watch his season of SYTYCD, but I’ve seen the videos, and ya’ll… he is HOT. This could get awkward, because this boy is capable of some seriously fiery chemistry with his partners and psssttt… her husband is standing right there.



Ty Murray, who is famous because he’s married to Jewel, which is as good a reason to be called a star as any, especially when we’re talking about this show, competes in the rodeo. I suppose I should probably steel myself for waltzes and tangos set to songs about boots and tractors and dead children. How many performances will it take before he takes off his Stetson? Well… we’ll probably never know -- $10 he’s the first to go. Oh wait, I take that back. Show won’t let that happen, not after all the trouble they went to casting a real married couple. He’ll be dancing with Chelsie Hightower, our Mormon vixen from the last season of SYTYCD. I love her and everything, but seeing her dance without Mark will make me emotional, and not in the good way.



Awwww… it’s Shawn Johnson! Despite being two years younger than Cody Linley (the youngest contestant ever, until now), I predict she’ll show more poise and grace than most of the women with whom she is competing. And maybe we’ll get to hear Bela Karoly yell at her during rehearsals (how awesome would that be!?). She is paired with Mark Ballas, which makes me ECSTATIC because I’m pretty sure Shawn will do well, which means weeks and weeks of Mark Ballas on my screen. The only thing that disappoints me: Mark won’t be able to sex up the dances as much as he (and I) would like, because that would be kind of statutory.



Apparently this show doesn’t do a background check because here is Li’l Kim. Perhaps Show isn’t concerned about her rap-sheet because she wasn’t incarcerated for a violent crime (perjury and conspiracy ain’t no big thang). Personally, I love her. She’s outrageous and unpredictable, or at least that’s what her wardrobe choices would indicate. In the most bizarre and incongruous pairing since peanut butter and cheese, Li’l Kim will dance with Derek Hough, who is as whitebread as they come. I’m thinking they’ll get along just fine, but wow… I didn’t see that one coming at all.



Gilles Marini, better known as Dante in the Sex and the City movie, is this year’s completely unknown/kind-of-famous-but-only-for-one-thing (and we all know what that thing is…) Latin hunk, following in a long line of gorgeous and successful studs like Christian de la Fuente, Helio Castoneves, and of course, Mario Lopez. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him speak, other than his two lines in the movie, so I don’t know what to expect from him at all. Not that it matters – have you seen him? His partner is Cheryl Burke, and I think I like her less and less every year. Not really sure why.



Steve-O? Really? The thing is: this show is an amazing form of career rehabilitation. So many of the contestants have used this show as a platform from which to make a comeback, and it pisses me off that someone out there thinks Steve-O deserves such an opportunity. I mean, he is absolutely insane. Why would this show invest in a guy who likes to staple his balls together? It isn’t like he’ll be allowed to do any of that stuff on live TV, and frankly, I don’t think he has anything else to offer. You see, people like Steve-O do outrageous things, like pissing on reporters on the red carpet, or showing up for a talkshow completely blitzed and breaking furniture, because they didn’t get enough love and attention as a child, or something. They MUST be the center of attention. People like Steve-O, who are devoid of intelligence and personality, find that the only way to attract the amount of attention they crave is to commit gross acts of self-destruction and humiliation, which they claim they enjoy doing because it makes people laugh. Yeah, we’re laughing, but not because it’s funny. We’re laughing because it’s so pathetic, we’re not really sure what else to do. When Jackass was on the air, I remember asking myself why any sane person would do stunts like the ones they did. Some of them, I think, were after fame. Some were just stupid. And still others were just weak and found themselves being pressured into doing things because it would make them cool in the eyes of their bros. A few of the guys were even kind of endearing because they seemed to realize how amazingly stupid it all was, even as they let the camera film them eating feces. Steve-O, however… seemed different. There was something about him that was out of control… kind of unhinged. I understand that he has a high pain threshold, and that’s great, but a lot of the things he did weren’t even funny, so all he was really doing was tearing up his body for no reason. I’m saying: the boy ain’t right. And poor Lacey Schwimmer is going to have to deal with him. Oh, Girl… from a high-class Gay to a probably high masochist. My condolences.



I don’t watch those pre-primetime entertainment shows, so the only thing I know about Nancy O’Dell is that she helped Wendy Pepper make it to the finals of Project Runway, thus putting her on my shit list for life. She’s pretty, though. She is paired with Tony Dovalani, who hasn’t gotten close to winning this show in a really long time. I’m starting to think he’s bad luck. And why do they always stick him with the older ladies (not that Nancy O’Dell is all that old, but compared to everyone else…)? Is he some sort of expert in old lady dancing or something? What, was Mark Ballas’s dad not available?



I don’t like Denise Richardson. I don’t think you like Denise Richardson. But apparently, some strange sub-set of some demographic does… how else do you explain her reality show getting renewed for a second season? I saw Wild Things (didn’t care for it) and that’s about as far as my knowledge of her goes, other than her bitter divorce and custody battle with Charlie Sheen, for which I couldn’t care less. So here again, I find myself forced to pull for someone I don’t really like. Why? MAXSIM! The good news is I think she’s perfectly capable of making it far. She’s got an athletic build and they look great together. The people online seem concerned about her ability to focus and keep up with everything, but Maxsim has a way of bringing out the best in his partners, usually by making them cry. God, I love him. (Damn you, Karina Smirnoff!!)



Lawrence Taylor is the new former football player who will most likely make it to the finals unless he is just completely uncoordinated and/or mentally slow. As usual, I have no idea who he is. He’ll be dancing with Edyta – and girlfriend, if this isn’t your year I think you should probably just give up.



Chuck Wicks is some sort of country artist, although I certainly haven’t heard of him. Of course, that’s not even the point. He is dating Julianne Hough, who also happens to be his partner. Geez, Show: talk about stacking the deck. What the hell? For that, I will NOT be pulling for this couple, even though I just adore Julianne. I’m sorry – I cannot support outright favoritism from the producers.



And finally, that big teddy bear of a man, Steve Wozniak, who is probably the cutest, most adorable, most socially awkward man in the entire world. I’m still not over his break-up with Kathy Griffin (Ok, it wasn’t so much a break-up as much as a never-happened, but still…). He won’t last long in this competition, I don’t think. I can’t imagine that he has any kind of grace or panache, even if he has a spitfire like Karina helping him out. A part of me think these two will clash – Karina can be very impatient and Steve is going to need a lot of TLC. But then again, he is so sweet, perhaps Karina will warm to him and be less of a bitch. We’ll see.

Ok, so. Obviously I have to pull for Shawn Johnson and Mark Ballas. That’s the easy choice and I’m all about convenience. But I’m looking out hard for Max/Denise and Jewel/Dmitry. And of course, Steve (but not Karina).

Dancing with the Stars Season 7...

Turn in your Team Yamaguchi T-shirts at the door, because a new season of Dancing with the Stars is upon us. The new cast was announced a few weeks back, and now that it’s had a little time to sink in, I think I’m ready to comment.



This year’s former (or maybe not, we’re just waiting to hear from Justin) boy-band member, Lance Bass, joins a long line of distinguished ringers, including Joey McIntyre, Joey Fatone, and the other Lachey who isn’t Nick. This category of DWTS participant always does fairly well, thanks to their experience performing in front of large audiences and expertise in poorly choreographed dance moves. The big deal with Lance, though, was the rumor that the show might pair him with a male partner, you know… because he’s gay. As funny as that may or may not be to see, it’s kind of stupid rumor, because ballroom dancing is designed for a male/female partnership, and not because it’s prejudiced, but because ballroom dancing is all about the balance of masculine and feminine, which is entirely possible with two people of the same sex, but maybe that’s just too much sexual politics to get into on a primetime network reality tv program.

Lance will be dancing with none other than Lacey Schwimmer, third runner-up on last year’s season of So You Think You Can Dance. What a fun little crossover, huh? She was never really my favorite, but I think it’s a good pairing. I’ll be curious to see her choreography. I’m also curious to see how the show will handle Lance’s gayness. I feel like they have to mention it, if only to avoid a situation like that of Matthew Mitchum (that Austrailian Olympic diver), but my instinct says that won’t mention it very often. The part I need to figure out is… does it really matter?



Ha! How funny is it that this whole time, I thought her name was Misty May Treanor… like, her name was Misty Mae, instead of the May being her maiden name hyphenated to her married name. I’m an idiot.

Anyway, I’m tired of this lady, I’m not going to lie. I thought there was WAY too much coverage of beach volleyball during the Olympics, especially because they were such favorites to win. I mean, if it’s such a foregone conclusion, why do I need to watch (EVERY NIGHT FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK!)? And I could barely recognize her in this picture without her sunglasses and bikini – and miles and miles of sand.

Female athletes on this show are hit or miss – last season we had the Yamaguchi (yay!) and Monica Seles (oooooo, sorry girl). I wonder how Misty Mae will fit in? Not that it matters… she’s paired with MAXSIM!!! Oh. My. God. I missed him so.



Now, I watched Rocco DiSpirito’s show, The Restaurant. It was a good show, but I kind of thought he was a douche. And I will never understand why some people find him so sexy… because, um… yeah, he’s not sexy. He is paired with my favorite female dancer, Karina Smirnoff. She’s my favorite because she is such a poor sport. I love watching her make bitch faces and basically disparage the American public right to our faces. She just seems so over this show sometimes, and I find that refreshing.



Warren Sapp has one up on last year’s football player, Jason Taylor, in that I have at least heard of him. I can’t say it goes any further than that. Look, it’s Kym Johnson! I love her a little bit, and I’m happy to see her get paired with a contestant that could do well. Last year, it was Penn Jillette, and we all know how that went.



Oh, poor, poor Edyta. She got stuck with… this guy. I say “this guy” because I see him everywhere, and yet I have no interest in seeing more of him. Maybe that’s mean… Jeffrey Ross is kind of funny, I guess, but he won’t last very long, if we go by past precedent. These comedians are appealing to a demographic that doesn’t watch this show (unless they’re forced), so they come on and make a few jokes and dance badly (they can’t be bothered to take it seriously) and then they get kicked off. I guess they couldn’t give Edyta anyone better because she placed 2nd last season.



I might have to pull for Ted McGinley. I mean, it’s Jefferson, for God’s sake, how can I not? I’ve always had a thing for Ted McGinley – isn’t he handsome? And I always like to pull for TV actors who are going through a slump. If we’ve learned anything, we now know that appearing on this show is like career CPR. Just look at Jennie Garth and Mario Lopez…

I wish him the best, but he’s got his work cut out for him. He has been paired with a new Pro, and that usually spells disaster. On this show, the public seems to vote for the Pros just as much as they vote for the contestants, so getting paired with a no-name is like the kiss of death. That is, unless they’re really hot, like Mark Ballas. Mmmm…. Mark Ballas.



OMG, Toni Braxton. I thought she was dead! Or really sick! Or otherwise incapacitated. Where the hell has she been? This is making me want to dig out my old tapes… Unbreak my heaaaaaaaart… say you LOVE me agaiiiiiiiin… Anyway, it’s good to see her. And she looks fabulous. I hope this will give her partner, Alec Mazo, the chance to make it past the first round. That guy has had the worst luck.



I absolutely love Cloris Leachman. She was the only thing I liked about Spanglish. But I’m not sure how I feel about her being on this show. I mean, I know there has to be an old person every season, but she’s 82. How old is too old? I don’t care how good of shape she’s in, an 82 year old body is fragile, and I’m not eager to see her break a hip or something on live T.V.

The main thing is these dances have to be good, or else the show is incredibly boring. I’m not sure she’ll be able to do the fast and difficult dances well enough to be enjoyable to watch. I would feel better about it if I knew anything about her partner, but it’s another new guy. In fact, it’s Mark’s dad. And his name is Corky. God, what if your dad’s name was Corky? I would be Mortified.



Oh, great. It’s one of those G*ddamn Kardashians. Have you ever watched their reality show? Trust me, it’s hard to get through; I’ve only managed to watch one episode. The scary thing is Kim is probably the most… and I’m struggling to find the right word… acceptable out of the whole family, even if she is just a very large ass with a very small brain… and lots of weave. I’m counting on her to make good on this show and make me like her, because she has been paired with Mark Ballas. Being allowed to dance with him, much less touch him, is an honor far above the likes of her, and she better to everything she can to deserve it. And she better be likeable, too, because if America hates her and votes her off, and I don’t get to see Mark more than two or three times… I am going to be SO PISSED!



Wait. Isn’t Cody Linley, like, 12? And isn’t he one of those Disney kids? You know, if they were trying to fill the Tween heartthrob niche, I feel like they could have done better than this. Although, I can’t think of anyone right now. Maybe that’s a good thing.

Anyway, he’s paired with Julianne Hough, and that is… a whole lot of blonde.



Julianne’s brother, Derek, is paired with Brooke Burke. If I’m to believe her wikipedia page, Brooke Burke has quite the career, but I’ve never heard of her. That’s not surprising, though, considering her main claim to fame is her long string of Maxim covers. I don’t read that magazine, obviously.



This show seems to be obsessed with Olympic Gold, because here’s another champion, Maurice Green. I remember him, I think, from Sydney and Athens. I predict he will do very well. Besides the fact that he’s an amazing athlete, he is paired with probably the best coach and choreographer in the competition, although you wouldn’t know it based on that picture up there. Geez, Cheryl looks like a giant bird trapped in a cotton candy machine.



And finally, La Lucci will dance for us, escorted by the Swarm King, Tony Dovalani. I only know Susan Lucci in the trivia sense, having never watched soap operas, or been interested in the day-time Emmy’s, but it will be fun to have her around. I know she’s quite hammy and funny, and she’s perfect for this audience. I don’t think she’ll win, but I suspect she’ll last quite a while, getting by purely on audience goodwill and decent dancing.



There you have it – the cast of Season 7. It’s a good group – most everyone seems in good shape, and perfectly capable of pulling off a good mambo. Personality is always a huge factor, but it will be even more important this year, because I think the dancing will be evenly matched across the board. Of course I’m pulling for Lance – that’s automatic. But besides him, I’m pulling for Toni Braxton and MAXSIM and MARK BALLAS.

I’m kind of sad about Louis Van Amstel taking the season off… and Jonathan Roberts is missing, too! I wonder where they are… waltzing together…

Dancing with Ridiculous Facial Expressions...

At least, that’s what this show should be called.

Let’s Start the Show…

Thank the gods for Dancing with the Stars, ya’ll. When it first aired, I was convinced it wouldn’t last more than two seasons. I thought it was cheesy, dull, and completely reliant on the smallest demographic of T.V. watchers. Well, I’m so glad I’m more pretty than smart, because Season 6 is, like, the best season yet. And the timing of it all is also worth some praise. This season of American Idol is doing NOTHING for me! I don’t know what it is, but I’m not emotionally invested in any of the singers this year, and I’m especially not into those two or three whom America seems to love. David Archuleta creeps me out with his raspy voice and cartoon eyes, Carly wears her desperation like an expensive perfume, and Brooke White just bores me to tears. And David Cook, who is apparently getting better and better each week, makes me angry in a vague, can’t-put-my-finger-on-it kind of way which makes it impossible for me to pull for him. The others are even more boring, if that’s possible. So, while I’ve been watching loyally, I get more and more uninterested with each passing week.

And I think we can all agree that Big Brother Winter Edition has been a giant bomb of disappointment exploding all over our T.V. screens, yes?

So, again, THANK the GODS for Dancing with the Stars. It has saved T.V. for me… at least temporarily. Hit the button and I’ll tell you all about it.

I’ve illustrated this post with pics of various contestants and/or professional partners looking goofy, especially in the face. Remember when I sort of didn’t like Joey Fatone because I thought he mugged for the camera too much? Well, this season, THEY’RE ALL DOING IT! And not only the “stars” but the professionals, too. I’m fully aware that ballroom dancing isn’t known for its subtlety, but sometimes… too much is too much. Rein it in, people.

I feel the need to announce right off the bat that I’m the President of Team Yamaguchi, not only because I love her but also because I love saying Team Yamaguchi. Try it, it’s fun. YAMAGUCHI! I like to scream it from my car window at red lights.



Kristi YAMAHUCHI has only danced twice, but I’ve already stacked all of my chips in her corner. I’m not even worried about the fact that she’s a professional ice-skater and therefore a whole lot more suited to this type of thing than, say, a professional tennis player or an out-of-work actor, or how this might be seen as an unfair advantage and result in her elimination a few weeks down the road. I’m also not worried that she seems a little bland, personality-wise, compared to camera hogs like Penn Gillette or Marissa Jaret Winokur, for I’m she’ll open up with time. And really, none of that stuff even matters, because she’s paired with Mark Ballas, who… is HAWT!!! in every way that counts and all the ways that don’t.



You see, I wore black for seven days when I heard Maxsim wouldn’t be back this season, because that meant I would have to conjure up some other reason to watch this show besides hoping to catch the occasional glimpses of Max’s muscular chest and arms above his tight, ass-accentuating dance pants. Somehow, Mark Ballas’s not-quite-as-muscular-but-still-perfectly-wonderful chest and arms above his more-than-pleasingly-tight ass-accentuating dance pants are helping me to miss Maxsim less, and that’s saying a lot.



When Mark Ballas and YAMAHUCHI descended the staircase to perform their mambo on Monday night last, and Mark Ballas was shirtless except for a vest that he had left casually unbuttoned, and Kristi looked cute in a 80’s inspired black and red costume, and the dance was perfectly executed and steamy and full of thrusting and gyrations of the pelvic areas, I knew I had a favorite couple.



If you want to experience it for yourself (again or for the first time), go here. The point is: I got turned on a little bit, and I was thinking that wouldn’t happen this season without my dear Maxsie.

Speaking of hot, there’s Jason Taylor. Since I don’t follow the phoozball, I have no idea who this guy is, but I gather from my reading that he is a fairly successful and well-known athlete. Good for him. Obviously, he’s in line to continue in the grand tradition of popular football players doing amazingly well at ballroom dancing and taking the whole competition, which is fine, I suppose, as long as the slightly homophobic banter comes to a screeching halt sooner rather than later. Look, I know that super macho heteros worry about how ballroom dancing may appear to their friends and fans, but could we kindly leave all of that fretting off camera? I’m getting bored with it. And if it makes them uncomfortable that homos like me enjoy watching them strut around in tight pants and see-thru mesh tops, well… I can’t help them with that, but I will continue to enjoy it, though, if only to continue making them uncomfortable.

Jason Taylor is quite dashing and elegant on the floor, despite his size and level of discomfort with the whole idea of dancing like a fairy, and he turned in a charming foxtrot and a fiery mambo. I have trouble concentrating on the dances, though, because, as always, Edyta is barely clothed, and I can’t help seeing Xerxes from 300 whenever I look at him.

Am I right?

I’m utterly stupefied by Marlee Matlin. She kind of blows me away. Everyone thought it was huge last year when the one-legged wonder, Heather Mills, took the stage and danced passably, but here’s Marlee, and she can’t. hear. the. music. I think that trumps an articificial leg. In a way, though, I’m not surprised. Marlee is the consummate professional, and I’m sure she can almost hear the music through the vibrations on the floor, and I’m sure she and her partner have worked out a complicated arrangement of visual cues to help, but none of that takes away from this accomplishment whatsoever. She’s an inspiration. Her partner, on the other hand, seems excitable and unhinged half the time.



But I won’t be too hard on him. I have a feeling we’ll be staring down his enthusiastic, wide open maw until the finale.

Mario may be considered a ringer, considering all of his experience on stage as a pop music performer, but I’ve been reasonably impressed with his performances so far. At this point, he’s been kind of forgettable, so he’ll need to set himself apart very soon in order to make it past those dancers who are maybe less proficient but more entertaining. And I still haven’t been able to ascertain how the country feels about Karina. Do we like her? Sure, she has an attitude sometimes, but we don’t hate her, do we? Frankly, this show is still indebted to her for the whole Billy Ray Cyrus episode. I mean, that was just mean. I hope you got an apology for that in writing, Karina.

I love Priscilla Presley, even if I can’t look at her for too long. Her face makes me nervous. Actually, I feel really bad for her sometimes, and I’m sure she is very self-conscious about her face, and none of it is easy, I’m sure. But I loved her in the Naked Gun Movies, and COME ON, she was married to Elvis. She really has nothing to worry about, though, because this show loves the older ladies more than it loves sequins and smoky eyes. She’ll be around for awhile. And, if I’m being honest with myself, I secretly love how she makes me nervous and anxious. Like in this picture…



That… is hard to look at. But also fabulous. And before you accuse me of cruelty for posting this picture when she's clearly not making a ridiculous facial expression, let me just say that I'm not the one crawling on the floor towards a very possibly frightened cameraman. Anyway, she's fabulous. Speaking of fabulous, Louis Van Amstel does it for me in a big way, and I’m kind of uncomfortable talking about it, because I don’t really like him, especially when he talks, but he is sooo sexy and fun to watch.

Oh, Steve Guttenberg, affectionately known to many as simply the Gutte. Funny story, Li’l Sis and I just watched Three Men and a Baby the other night. I’m not sentimental about the Gutte at all, so I’ve tended to be rather unforgiving of his awfully hammy performances so far on the show. I wish his partner, whoever she is, would tape his mouth shut in rehearsal so he would maybe stop doing cheerleading facials all through his routines. It’s really distracting.



However, he’s adorable in a grandfatherly kind of way, and he’s definitely super happy to be there. That’s endearing enough to keep him around for at least a few more weeks. Unfortunately.

Marissa Jaret Winokur is super cute and bubbly and fun, but please JESUS, bring it down a notch, lady! I loved her in Fever Pitch, and I almost always pull for the big girls, but if she doesn’t tone down the crazy just a little bit… I mean, it’s all sort of off-putting.



And Tony Dolovani is such a train-wreck, really; greasy and cocky and rapisty, and ewwww… I’m just not a fan.



Strangely enough, he’s the one professional male dancer most likely to enter the stage completely shirtless, and yet, I’m not into him at all. What does that mean?

Christian de la Fuente is, apparently, a popular actor in Chile, who also co-starred on Ugly Betty back in Season 1. He’s kind of smarmy and greasy, but kind of hot when he wants to be, and it helps him immensely that he’s paired with Cheryl Burke, who is all sorts of intense about getting back in the game after a season with Wayne Newton. He will need to start checking his attitude in at the door along with his street shoes because I’m getting a strong sense of entitlement and arrogance, which… DWTS don’t play that.

Shannon Elizabeth, or the naked girl from the American Pie movies, has managed to make it through the first elimination, which surprised the hell out of me. Based on past seasons, the pretty girls (and boys, really), who aren’t well known for Disney musicals or spinoffs thereof, are usually the first to go, and I’m convinced it’s because the only people voting are middle-aged housewives who can’t stand pretty young things. But after a more than adequate Cha(cubed) and Quickstep, she has established that she doesn’t suck, which could help her make it further than any P.Y.T. ever has.


It helps that Derek Hough is her partner, because he’s universally recognized as a cutie-patootie, whom old ladies love, and so do I, except when he reminds me of one of those kids from Village of the Damned.

What is there to say about Adam Corolla? One of the most celebrated aspects of this show is the entertainment value of watching people who are famous fall flat on their asses attempting to do something they were never meant to do. And every season they bring on a select few contestants who know very well that they are cannon-fodder. Now, Adam Corolla didn’t do all that poorly, but I don’t think he will ever get to a place where he actually wants to do well so I think it’s in everyone’s best interests to enjoy him while he’s around and then move on like it never happened.

Finally, Monica Seles and Penn Jillette were just eliminated last night. Poor Monica seemed to have no rhythm and Penn was really abrasive. I would have enjoyed seeing Monica improve, but I think America did the right thing. And Penn, seriously, I won’t miss him at all.

All ridiculous facial expressions aside, I’m really looking forward to watching this season play out. Ya’ll know where my loyalties lie (YAMAGUCHI!), but it should be a good contest for second and third.

Oh, and sidebar. Apparently, Julianne Hough is Gangsta…

I'm not lazy; I just can't be bothered...

...to write a coherent post in paragraph form today. Instead random tidbits…

1. I ate a lemon poppy seed muffin for lunch, and while it was undeniably delicious, I don’t appreciate finding poppy seeds all over my person for the entire rest of the day.

2. I’m really into Mariah Carey’s new single, Touch My Body even though it might be the silliest, most asinine song she’s ever released. The video is a big part of my irrational love. I LOL every time I watch it.



As an aside, I’m so happy that geek chic is in right now. My favorite manifestation of this trend would be Henry from Ugly Betty. He’s geeky, but the boy can dress.



It’s all a fantasy, though. No geeks I know have washboard abs.



More after the jump!

3. I have this great idea for bookshelves in my new apartment. I’m going to go to the Home Despot and buy decorative cinder blocks, and, along with some stained planks of wood, construct floor to ceiling shelves in the living room.

4. I just realized as I was making a list of cleaning supplies I’ll need for moving day… I’ve never actually purchased a broom. I thought they just appeared out of nowhere, like in the Sorcerer’s Apprentice.



5. Dancing with the Stars premiered last night, and I tried to watch it. Really, I did. But the absence of Maksim made me irritable and difficult to please.



6. I couldn’t sleep last night, so in a moment of sheer insanity, I picked up Oliver Twist, which I hadn’t read in years. I’d forgotten how much I loved Dickens’s writing. Before I knew it, I’d read 80 pages, dooming myself to a miserable morning. Today, besides being tired, I’ve got the musical numbers from Oliver! stuck in my head.

7. Apparently, my boss wants to have a meeting with me about my job and its direction… or lack thereof. It’s probably just her biannual ploy to convince me that there are big plans for me and that I shouldn’t do anything crazy like look for another job. Sometimes she acts like she’s terrified of the idea of losing me, which is flattering, I suppose. But wouldn’t it just be easier to pay me more? I have no principles! I can be bought!

8. I’m sad because Enchanted came out today on DVD, but I don’t have the money to purchazzie. Well, I mean, technically I do, but I shouldn’t, which is somehow worse. I saw Enchanted in the theatres, and it didn’t do all that much for me, but I recognize it for what it is, which is a movie that gets better every time you see it.

9. Speaking of movies, I really want to see Horton Hears a Who and The Other Boleyn Girl and 10,000 BC and Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day and maybe even Semi-Pro. I wish movies were free.

10. It seems odd to leave it at 9. So… um… link How about a funny joke?