Thursday, March 27, 2008

Dancing with Ridiculous Facial Expressions...

At least, that’s what this show should be called.

Let’s Start the Show…

Thank the gods for Dancing with the Stars, ya’ll. When it first aired, I was convinced it wouldn’t last more than two seasons. I thought it was cheesy, dull, and completely reliant on the smallest demographic of T.V. watchers. Well, I’m so glad I’m more pretty than smart, because Season 6 is, like, the best season yet. And the timing of it all is also worth some praise. This season of American Idol is doing NOTHING for me! I don’t know what it is, but I’m not emotionally invested in any of the singers this year, and I’m especially not into those two or three whom America seems to love. David Archuleta creeps me out with his raspy voice and cartoon eyes, Carly wears her desperation like an expensive perfume, and Brooke White just bores me to tears. And David Cook, who is apparently getting better and better each week, makes me angry in a vague, can’t-put-my-finger-on-it kind of way which makes it impossible for me to pull for him. The others are even more boring, if that’s possible. So, while I’ve been watching loyally, I get more and more uninterested with each passing week.

And I think we can all agree that Big Brother Winter Edition has been a giant bomb of disappointment exploding all over our T.V. screens, yes?

So, again, THANK the GODS for Dancing with the Stars. It has saved T.V. for me… at least temporarily. Hit the button and I’ll tell you all about it.

I’ve illustrated this post with pics of various contestants and/or professional partners looking goofy, especially in the face. Remember when I sort of didn’t like Joey Fatone because I thought he mugged for the camera too much? Well, this season, THEY’RE ALL DOING IT! And not only the “stars” but the professionals, too. I’m fully aware that ballroom dancing isn’t known for its subtlety, but sometimes… too much is too much. Rein it in, people.

I feel the need to announce right off the bat that I’m the President of Team Yamaguchi, not only because I love her but also because I love saying Team Yamaguchi. Try it, it’s fun. YAMAGUCHI! I like to scream it from my car window at red lights.

Kristi YAMAHUCHI has only danced twice, but I’ve already stacked all of my chips in her corner. I’m not even worried about the fact that she’s a professional ice-skater and therefore a whole lot more suited to this type of thing than, say, a professional tennis player or an out-of-work actor, or how this might be seen as an unfair advantage and result in her elimination a few weeks down the road. I’m also not worried that she seems a little bland, personality-wise, compared to camera hogs like Penn Gillette or Marissa Jaret Winokur, for I’m she’ll open up with time. And really, none of that stuff even matters, because she’s paired with Mark Ballas, who… is HAWT!!! in every way that counts and all the ways that don’t.

You see, I wore black for seven days when I heard Maxsim wouldn’t be back this season, because that meant I would have to conjure up some other reason to watch this show besides hoping to catch the occasional glimpses of Max’s muscular chest and arms above his tight, ass-accentuating dance pants. Somehow, Mark Ballas’s not-quite-as-muscular-but-still-perfectly-wonderful chest and arms above his more-than-pleasingly-tight ass-accentuating dance pants are helping me to miss Maxsim less, and that’s saying a lot.

When Mark Ballas and YAMAHUCHI descended the staircase to perform their mambo on Monday night last, and Mark Ballas was shirtless except for a vest that he had left casually unbuttoned, and Kristi looked cute in a 80’s inspired black and red costume, and the dance was perfectly executed and steamy and full of thrusting and gyrations of the pelvic areas, I knew I had a favorite couple.

If you want to experience it for yourself (again or for the first time), go here. The point is: I got turned on a little bit, and I was thinking that wouldn’t happen this season without my dear Maxsie.

Speaking of hot, there’s Jason Taylor. Since I don’t follow the phoozball, I have no idea who this guy is, but I gather from my reading that he is a fairly successful and well-known athlete. Good for him. Obviously, he’s in line to continue in the grand tradition of popular football players doing amazingly well at ballroom dancing and taking the whole competition, which is fine, I suppose, as long as the slightly homophobic banter comes to a screeching halt sooner rather than later. Look, I know that super macho heteros worry about how ballroom dancing may appear to their friends and fans, but could we kindly leave all of that fretting off camera? I’m getting bored with it. And if it makes them uncomfortable that homos like me enjoy watching them strut around in tight pants and see-thru mesh tops, well… I can’t help them with that, but I will continue to enjoy it, though, if only to continue making them uncomfortable.

Jason Taylor is quite dashing and elegant on the floor, despite his size and level of discomfort with the whole idea of dancing like a fairy, and he turned in a charming foxtrot and a fiery mambo. I have trouble concentrating on the dances, though, because, as always, Edyta is barely clothed, and I can’t help seeing Xerxes from 300 whenever I look at him.

Am I right?

I’m utterly stupefied by Marlee Matlin. She kind of blows me away. Everyone thought it was huge last year when the one-legged wonder, Heather Mills, took the stage and danced passably, but here’s Marlee, and she can’t. hear. the. music. I think that trumps an articificial leg. In a way, though, I’m not surprised. Marlee is the consummate professional, and I’m sure she can almost hear the music through the vibrations on the floor, and I’m sure she and her partner have worked out a complicated arrangement of visual cues to help, but none of that takes away from this accomplishment whatsoever. She’s an inspiration. Her partner, on the other hand, seems excitable and unhinged half the time.

But I won’t be too hard on him. I have a feeling we’ll be staring down his enthusiastic, wide open maw until the finale.

Mario may be considered a ringer, considering all of his experience on stage as a pop music performer, but I’ve been reasonably impressed with his performances so far. At this point, he’s been kind of forgettable, so he’ll need to set himself apart very soon in order to make it past those dancers who are maybe less proficient but more entertaining. And I still haven’t been able to ascertain how the country feels about Karina. Do we like her? Sure, she has an attitude sometimes, but we don’t hate her, do we? Frankly, this show is still indebted to her for the whole Billy Ray Cyrus episode. I mean, that was just mean. I hope you got an apology for that in writing, Karina.

I love Priscilla Presley, even if I can’t look at her for too long. Her face makes me nervous. Actually, I feel really bad for her sometimes, and I’m sure she is very self-conscious about her face, and none of it is easy, I’m sure. But I loved her in the Naked Gun Movies, and COME ON, she was married to Elvis. She really has nothing to worry about, though, because this show loves the older ladies more than it loves sequins and smoky eyes. She’ll be around for awhile. And, if I’m being honest with myself, I secretly love how she makes me nervous and anxious. Like in this picture…

That… is hard to look at. But also fabulous. And before you accuse me of cruelty for posting this picture when she's clearly not making a ridiculous facial expression, let me just say that I'm not the one crawling on the floor towards a very possibly frightened cameraman. Anyway, she's fabulous. Speaking of fabulous, Louis Van Amstel does it for me in a big way, and I’m kind of uncomfortable talking about it, because I don’t really like him, especially when he talks, but he is sooo sexy and fun to watch.

Oh, Steve Guttenberg, affectionately known to many as simply the Gutte. Funny story, Li’l Sis and I just watched Three Men and a Baby the other night. I’m not sentimental about the Gutte at all, so I’ve tended to be rather unforgiving of his awfully hammy performances so far on the show. I wish his partner, whoever she is, would tape his mouth shut in rehearsal so he would maybe stop doing cheerleading facials all through his routines. It’s really distracting.

However, he’s adorable in a grandfatherly kind of way, and he’s definitely super happy to be there. That’s endearing enough to keep him around for at least a few more weeks. Unfortunately.

Marissa Jaret Winokur is super cute and bubbly and fun, but please JESUS, bring it down a notch, lady! I loved her in Fever Pitch, and I almost always pull for the big girls, but if she doesn’t tone down the crazy just a little bit… I mean, it’s all sort of off-putting.

And Tony Dolovani is such a train-wreck, really; greasy and cocky and rapisty, and ewwww… I’m just not a fan.

Strangely enough, he’s the one professional male dancer most likely to enter the stage completely shirtless, and yet, I’m not into him at all. What does that mean?

Christian de la Fuente is, apparently, a popular actor in Chile, who also co-starred on Ugly Betty back in Season 1. He’s kind of smarmy and greasy, but kind of hot when he wants to be, and it helps him immensely that he’s paired with Cheryl Burke, who is all sorts of intense about getting back in the game after a season with Wayne Newton. He will need to start checking his attitude in at the door along with his street shoes because I’m getting a strong sense of entitlement and arrogance, which… DWTS don’t play that.

Shannon Elizabeth, or the naked girl from the American Pie movies, has managed to make it through the first elimination, which surprised the hell out of me. Based on past seasons, the pretty girls (and boys, really), who aren’t well known for Disney musicals or spinoffs thereof, are usually the first to go, and I’m convinced it’s because the only people voting are middle-aged housewives who can’t stand pretty young things. But after a more than adequate Cha(cubed) and Quickstep, she has established that she doesn’t suck, which could help her make it further than any P.Y.T. ever has.

It helps that Derek Hough is her partner, because he’s universally recognized as a cutie-patootie, whom old ladies love, and so do I, except when he reminds me of one of those kids from Village of the Damned.

What is there to say about Adam Corolla? One of the most celebrated aspects of this show is the entertainment value of watching people who are famous fall flat on their asses attempting to do something they were never meant to do. And every season they bring on a select few contestants who know very well that they are cannon-fodder. Now, Adam Corolla didn’t do all that poorly, but I don’t think he will ever get to a place where he actually wants to do well so I think it’s in everyone’s best interests to enjoy him while he’s around and then move on like it never happened.

Finally, Monica Seles and Penn Jillette were just eliminated last night. Poor Monica seemed to have no rhythm and Penn was really abrasive. I would have enjoyed seeing Monica improve, but I think America did the right thing. And Penn, seriously, I won’t miss him at all.

All ridiculous facial expressions aside, I’m really looking forward to watching this season play out. Ya’ll know where my loyalties lie (YAMAGUCHI!), but it should be a good contest for second and third.

Oh, and sidebar. Apparently, Julianne Hough is Gangsta…


Mary said...

When my niece was little, she'd call Kristi Yamaguchi Jazzy Magooch. I think it was easier for her to say.

"Carly wears her desperation like and expensive perfume" is a priceless metaphor.

Could it be that you're not into Tony Dolovani because he's "rapisty"?

As for Jason Taylor's homophobic banter, maybe he should catch Ron White's bit about who's gay. I can't find it on the YouTubes, so here's a synopsis.

Ron and one of his relatives get into a conversation about gays and the relative says, "I'm not a homosexual," and Ron says, "Yes, you are and I can prove it." Then he asks, "Do you like porn?" The relative responds, "Yeah, I like porn." "Do you only watch porn with two women?" "No, I like to watch a man and woman making love." "Does the man have a small, half-flaccid [insert appropriate word here - I'm not shy about using it, but I don't know who all your readers are]?" "No, I like to see a guy with a big, har . . . I did not know that about myself."

Sayward said...

A am part of the Kristi Yamaguchi fanclub too! She was awesome!

Reeva*Dubois said...

Mary - Jazzy Magooch is the best thing I've ever heard, just so you know. I think I've seen that Ron White moment, somewhere - he is hilarious!

And sayward, LET'S GET T-SHIRTS!!