Dancing with the Stars Week 5...

I suppose I should start by shouting a MEA CULPA to the heavens for getting behind on these recaps. The truth is I’ve been a little down in the dumps for the past couple of weeks; not for any specific reason, just my usual ups and downs. Sometimes I think I might be a teensy bit bi-polar.

What’s that?

Excuse me: the voices in my head are teasing me about my use of the word ‘teensy’. The point is, my petite depressions are not conducive to good blog posts. So by not writing anything, I was actually doing the blogosphere a favor. So really, you guys should be thanking me.

Where was I? Ah, yes… Dancing with the Stars. Last time we talked, Holly Madison and Steve Wozniak had just been booted. Nobody gave a crap about Holly, but some people were sad to see Steve go. I, meanwhile, was completely over him the second he stopped caring about dancing well, which I think was around Week 2. He’s a nice guy, but it was definitely his time to go.

This week, the remaining couples will learn either the Viennese Waltz or the Paso Doble. A Paso Doble week without our dear Maxsim is absolutely TRAGIC and maybe even a little pointless, but we will press on, for we must.



Jump on it...
Up first are Chuck and Julianne with the Viennese Waltz. The stress of all of this seems to be getting to Julianne. Not only can she not put her make-up on properly (don’t forget the neck, darling)…



But she can’t decide how to treat her boyfriend slash dance pupil during rehearsals. Should she treat him like any other student (whips, chains, abusive language intended to degrade and humiliate), or like her boyfriend (whips, chains, abusive language intended to degrade and humiliate… and whipped cream)? The show is desperate to convince us that Chuck is improving from week-to-week, but really, I think the dances are just getting easier. The routine is very nice – you know I enjoy Julianne’s choreography most of the time – but Chuck is his usual lop-sided, awkward self out there. The boy just can’t do graceful, and since he’s still concerned about looking effeminate, I doubt very much that he’ll ever apologize for his lack of finesse. Until he learns to let all that go, he’ll always look like an inebriated duck while he dances, unless it’s a Latin dance, in which case he’ll look like un pato boraccho. The dance ends with Chuck on bended knee, Julianne looking coy and surprised, and me vomiting all over my new rug. The judges are more or less pleased with this performance, claiming that Chuck finally performed, as opposed to simply going through the motions. If he continues to gain confidence, the footwork and finesse should follow. Chuck is so pleased by the comments, he decides to ride the pony…



Backstage, Samantha can’t resist teasing about the bended knee moment, and asks the couple if it was supposed to tell us something. Thankfully, Chuck answers with a flat and too-quick NO, which probably hurt Julianne’s feelings but saved me from having to re-shampoo the carpet. They score a 23.



The first Paso of the night belongs to Lawrence Taylor and Edyta. Like last week, Lawrence continues to struggle with musicality and character, which unfortunately cannot be taught, especially in the limited time-span of one week. Also difficult: capes. I love this Dancing with the Stars tradition. Paso Doble week equals lots of mishaps with capes. It never gets old.



Edyta really looks like she needs a drink. Me too, and make it a double. Sadly, no amount of hard liquor can make this dance good. The music is awful (whoever is playing the synth-strings should be shot), the choreography is dull and pedestrian, and Lawrence looks like he would rather be at his own funeral. It’s ten times worse than last week’s Tango, and for all the same reasons. These Latin dances are supposed to be passionate and fiery. Lawrence just looks angry. And bored. He’s bored angry! Even though we’re five weeks in, he is still as self-conscious and internalized as he was in week one. At some point… you just have to let all that junk go and just DANCE (it’ll be ok, da da an do do)! His movements are lazy and sluggish, like he’s underwater, and since we know he’s a terrific athlete, we can only assume that this lethargy comes from fear. Bruno, who likes to confuse angry and bored with strength and power, thinks Lawrence captured the mood of the dance quite well, Carrie Ann blames the music, and Len thinks it was his best dance so far (which is just sad). Backstage, Samantha asks Lawrence how he managed to channel all of that anger boredom aggression, and he tells this awkward story about how his friends told him that if he loses he will have to give them all lap-dances. I think we’ve just identified where his fear comes from. His Passive-aggressive Paso scores a 20.



Shawn Johnson is still smarting from the judges’ less-than-favorable reception of her floor-exercise inspired Lindy Hop, so this week she and Mark are going to stick to the strict definition of the Viennese Waltz. In the rehearsal package, it seems like Shawn is finally showing some signs of frustration. She’s been breezing through for the most part, so I’m glad to see Mark challenging her a little. They make a good-looking pair – she’s in a flowy white gown and he’s in gray – and the dance is simple, elegant, and romantic. It’s two minutes of pretty, which no one can complain about. At the end, Mark spins her into a lift culminating with Shawn cradled in his arms as they walk off stage. Of course, while everyone else is thinking how cute that was, Carrie Ann has just written the word LIFT in her notebook (in her own blood) and shaved five points from their score. Or has she?? Carrie Ann commends the simplicity of the dance and adds that she didn’t mind the lift because it was at the end and fit in with the rest of the dance. See that? Rules don’t matter if you’re cute like Shawn Johnson. Len loved it except for the shoddy footwork and Bruno threw up about fifteen adjectives that could also describe a baby bunny, a flower, or a tasty dessert. They score a 26.



Like Lawrence, Melissa Rycroft’s challenge this week is getting into the character of the Paso, which is hard because Tony Dovalani is such a goofball. You know, if we could veer off the main road onto Tangential Trail (I love the view!), I think I’ve finally figured out why Tony bothers me so much. You see… all of this: the show, the dancing, the competition, the judges’ comments, the glory and the shame… it’s all about him. He has this way of getting on my screen and taking over, like his partner isn’t even there, scrabbling for the screen time she came on the this show to get in the first place. Whether he’s making incredulous faces at the judges during their negative comments, or having an emotional breakdown whenever he gets saved, he just can’t seem to remember that it isn’t really his life were interested in. I can appreciate his investment, truly, but he needs to step back and remember that he is the sideshow to Melissa’s main event. This is Dancing with the Stars, not Dancing with TONY DOVALANI IN BRIGHT LIGHTS AND MAYBE SOME CONFETTI AND NOISEMAKERS!! Ok, I’m glad I got that off my chest.

Frankly, I don’t remember much about this dance because I was too disturbed by the music. Remember how I referenced a Lady Gaga song earlier in this post? I’m about to do it again, but this time it’s relevant. Their Paso is set to a ballroom interpretation of Poker Face. I am aghast and dismayed and horrified, and yet… strangely fascinated. I mean, one couldn’t have predicted it. The costumes are as Spanish as they could possibly be… red and black and very toreador-esque… and yet the song is an extended metaphor about gambling with not-so-subtle overtones regarding the mysterious nature of feminine bisexuality. It kind of makes me cock my head like a confused cocker spaniel. Perplexing is what it is. So… the dance itself is pretty amazing actually. Tony has really stepped up his game with the choreography (I think he really took Carrie Ann’s criticism that Melissa needs to challenge herself to heart). This dance is waaay hard, and unfortunately, nothing looks effortless, and Melissa is wearing her fear on her face and it sadly does not match those bizarre dots on her forehead (what the hell is that all about?) or the mood of the dance. Now, I didn’t catch it when it happened, but there was apparently a major incident involving the heel of her shoe and her dress (which I’m sure will show up in dramatic slow motion tomorrow night), so this routine was not executed perfectly. The judges comment on the degree of difficulty and the stumbles, both things that ultimately prevented her from getting into the true character of the dance, and end up scoring her a 25. Backstage, Tony compliments Melissa’s tenacity in the face of all the screw-ups, and he does so while standing in front of her and forbidding her to speak. See what I mean?



David and Kym are next with their Viennese Waltz and David is STILL trying to figure out ways to climb out of the middle of the pack. Seriously, the judges just do not like him, and it has become painfully obvious to me that their disdain for him isn’t just about his dancing. David isn’t performing any better or any worse than half of the people out there, so I’m at a loss to explain why he is consistently scored so low and why the judges are so much more brutal in their critiques. The girls in the typing pool and I have a theory that he is an epic asshole during the week – like some sort of nightmare to work with or something – so the show has decided to put him in his place. The song is I Put a Spell on You, which doesn’t scream waltz to me, but then again we’ve already suffered through a Poker Face Paso, so what do I know? Kym begins the dance by waving some giant blood-red fans about like a recently slaughtered swan, and David looks like he’s about to start a rumble. Seriously… why does he always look so mad?



I will say that this is the strangest Viennese Waltz I’ve ever seen on this show. The mood and the story being told don’t seem to fit the standard, but having said that, I thought it was well choreographed and well danced. The judges are all over the place with this one. Bruno admonishes them for the tricky choreography which he finds unnecessary in a waltz; Carrie Ann didn’t see any kind of connection between David and Kym; Len thought it was great. All of that translates into a score of 22.



Last week, Gilles and Cheryl scored the first perfect 30 of the season with their Tango. That dance is bound to go down as one of my favorite dances of the entire series. This week, they have the Paso, which I’m thinking should be a cake-walk because the mood is so similar. Rather than waste time discussing their pointless rehearsal package, let’s go straight to the goods…



That’s right. Tonight, Gilles opened his dance completely shirtless. There’s something to be said for knowing your audience. APPROVED! Anyway, after some provocative posing, Cheryl hands him a jacket so the dance can actually begin. And it is AWESOME. It’s fast and fiery with lots of aggressive hip thrusts and flamenco steps. I suppose it helps that the music is from Carmen (ok – pause – what the hell, show? You give Melissa a damn Lady Gaga song and hand Gilles a piece of music from an opera about Spanish harlots and toreadors? How is that fair?). Whereas the previous two Pasos haven’t quite captured the feel of a true Paso, Gilles nails it completely. Cheryl’s routine is superb, right down to the finer details, and Gilles is 100% in character. I loved it. Also loving it: Bruno and Carrie Ann, who carry on just as much as the audience. Carrie Ann loved how they brought the essence of the dance to life; Bruno thought it was more than a dance, but an epic battle for sexual supremacy (uh… ok); Len thought it was a little frantic. Never before has Len been booed with such venom and malice. He should probably be escorted to his car once the show wraps. Sure enough, Len ruins it for everyone by scoring the routine at a 9, thus preventing Gilles from grabbing his second (and very much deserved) perfect score. Gilles’s Pectoral Paso must settle for a 29.



Steve-O is still harping about how last week’s scores didn’t improve despite the fact that he made it through his entire routine without royally screwing up. I guess the idea that subjective scoring almost always reflects the context of the rest of the competition is waaay over his head. Good judges (in all arenas) try to give scores in such a way that there is a nice bell-shaped curve at the end. Yes, he improved, but others improved even more, and still others actually took a small dive, so he was right where he was supposed to be at the end of last week. And really… who cares? The bottom is the bottom. All that the rehearsal package illuminates for us is that Johnny Knoxville is a good friend, but not quite a good enough friend to leave Steve-O alone for five minutes so he can LEARN HIS DANCE ALREADY! For their waltz, Steve-O is dressed like a mime (oh dear) and Lacey is literally dolled up. The music is one of my favorite Rufus Wainwright songs EVER, Complainte de la Butte. Sadly, even that can’t save this dance for me. I can still see his back pain in his posture, he’s as stiff as a board, and he has no idea how to show the dance in his face. I haven’t seen eyes that dead since the last episode of America’s Next Top Model. Where is Tyra when you need her? Most egregious, though, is the fact that the dance is really quite boring. Nothing special about it at all, really. The judges are nice about it, because why bother telling the truth at this point, and send him off with an 18, which is his highest score ever.



Ty and Chelsie have drawn the last Paso of the evening, and how appropriate for him because he’s a bullrider. Get it? He rides bulls for a living so this dance should be right up his alley. Yeah, I didn’t think it made sense either. Before I tackle the dancing, I need to mention how hot he looks in the toreador outfit. Why is he all-of-a-sudden attractive to me? I mean, he isn’t an unattractive guy by any means, but why now? Why this dance? Did he do something different with his hair? I don’t have to sort this out right now, I suppose. Anyway, the music is Barracuda, which is the best song ever written about anything, but that doesn’t mean it works for the Paso, and to prove my point, Ty is going to stomp around the floor like he can’t hear the music at all. This dance just did not work for him. Having watched it a few times now, I believe that he heard the words aggressive and masculine and angry, and in an attempt to express these words, his body decided to move like he was forcing his way through concrete. Carrie Ann thinks he just over-thought everything, but I think he just needs more time in front of the mirror. So his Petrified Paso scores a veeeery generous 21.

Bonus cape shenanigans from Senor Ty:





Last and certainly shortest, Lil Kim and Derek have a waltz for us. She is still riding high from last week’s amazing Tango (me too), so it will be a nice change of pace to perform a sweet, romantic dance to show off her range. I have to say I muted this because I couldn’t abide the warbling of whoever was trying to sing I’ll Be, but it looked beautiful. I particularly love how Lil Kim is able to perform these slower dances without looking like she’s in a coma. Her face is alive with emotion (perhaps not always the right emotion, but still…) and it really helps the audience connect to the content of the dance. The judges gush just as they should, and hand over a 26. Just one question before we move on… what the hell is a Buddha Board?



Here’s how things shaped up:

Gilles – 29
Shawn – 26
Lil Kim – 26
Melissa – 25
Chuck – 23
David – 22
Ty – 21
Lawrence – 20
Steve-O – 18


Results:

Oh, yay – Kim scored the encore. That’s great, I think… but I’m not sure I get it. She didn’t have the highest score of the night. WHAT DOES IT MEAN!!?

I think I’m going to do a big post dedicated to all the Macy’s Stars of Dance performances because I’ve liked all of them so far, and tonight… MEN IN DRESSES.



I have no idea what the point is, but it’s certainly neat to watch. So what, exactly, is this Vegas show (I believe they called it La Reve) about? There’s MEN IN DRESSES, of course, but also ballroom dancers and circus performers doing stunts. And I think Samantha said there was also water involved. I can’t wrap my head around it.

After the whittling, the bottom two ends up being David Alan Grier and Lawrence Taylor. That’s right… someone out there saved Steve-O. I bet it was his Group… they have special powers, you know. God, I can’t tell you how over these dance-offs I am. It’s times like these I really wish I had a Tivo. I would bleep-bloop the hell out of this and be a much more pleasant, contented person.



David manages to bring his score up by two points while Lawrence merely repeats last night’s score. And what do you know? David gets the boot, ending what has turned out to be the most bizarre tenure on this show by a celebrity since… well, he might take the cake. He seemed so pissed off most of the time, and the judges treated him like the red-headed stepchild. It was getting uncomfortable to watch, and for that reason, I’m glad to see him go.

Week 6 coming soon.

Dancing with the Stars Top 11...

So last week we suffered the untimely dismissal of our dear Maxsim. I wore black for three days. The more important thing about last week’s elimination between Holly Madison and Denise Richards wasn’t so much that they ended up in the bottom two, but that they somehow ended up there instead of Steve Wozniak, who seems to have hacked into the voting system. Seriously, that’s the only way it makes sense that he managed to escape the bottom two, because after all, he scored a 10. A TEN!! That’s like… not even a real score. The only other time a score that low was handed out was when Master P refused to wear the proper shoes. It says a lot about Steve’s dancing that he managed that type of score based solely on his abilities. It also says he has lots of friends and supporters, which I think is commendable, if only it didn’t mean I had to watch him dance again.

But… them’s the breaks. Tonight features two new dances: the Lindy Hop and the Argentine Tango (which is neither argentine, nor a tango… discuss). Tomorrow, we’ll witness the first ever mid-season double elimination, which is apparently very scary for all the competitors, but to me it means one less recap to write, so… cheers.



On to the show!



The girls in the typing pool and I have reached an agreement: David Alan Grier is getting seriously submarined by the judges. It’s true that he isn’t one of the best dancers on the show, but his scores have been suspiciously low for the past few weeks, and we’re all wondering what the judges are smoking. They can’t still be smarting about his comments regarding Bruno’s accent, can they? That was sooo two weeks ago. Anyway, DAG is first tonight with the first Lindy Hop in DWTS history. He struggles with the lifts during rehearsals, so Kym takes him to an actual Lindy Hop club to see the dance in its natural habitat, which looks like all kinds of fun, but also very dangerous. When they hit the floor, David brings the right amounts of energy and charisma, although I will admit that the lifts did look kind of rough. Kym can’t be that all that heavy, but judging by the look on David’s face during each lift, she must weigh a ton. The judges compliment the energy and spirit of the routine, but pick on David’s sense of timing and rhythm. Carrie Ann, however, thought it was an exciting routine, especially when he kicked up the energy with the music. He scores a 22, which, based on the dances to follow, seems on the low side.



Next up is Lil Kim with her Argentine Tango. During rehearsals, Derek and Kim have to work hard to keep their faces straight, and I am again perplexed but charmed by the chemistry these two kids have together. I still think they’re a bizarre pair, but they’re making it work. Derek confesses several times that he doesn’t know much about this dance, so the choreography comes together quite organically; I’m very curious to see what he comes up with. All of Derek’s anxiety must have paid off because this dance is fantastic. First, Lil Kim looks amazing! I don’t know why that surprises me, because Lil Kim is a beautiful woman. I think it must be the fact that so often the wardrobe department dresses people up to look like a diseased birds – when they actually work it out, it’s kind of shocking. Back to the dance: Lil Kim’s lines are exquisite… she really understands her body. She obviously knows exactly where to place her legs and arms to create the perfect picture. I mean, just look at this…



Perfect angles, perfect extension, etc. It goes without saying that she nailed the character of the dance. Bruno and Carrie Ann have nothing but praise, but Len thought it lacked sensuality, which is just preposterous. He at least has the decency to compliment Derek on his choreography, and I say here, here! I was touched by Lil Kim’s show of emotion after the dance; maybe she recognized this dance as her break-through. I, for one, hope this is the first of many fantastic performances from her. The scores are mixed: Carrie Ann gives a 9, Len gives an 8 (BOO!!) and Bruno gives a 10 – the first 10 of the season, and well deserved.



The next Lindy Hop comes from Chuck and Julianne. The only exciting thing to come out of their rehearsal segment is the following revelation: Chuck Wicks is afraid to fall on his head. Well, aren’t we all? This is going to be a mighty boring routine if he’s afraid to do any tricks. After what can only be hours of complaining, however, Julianne takes pity on her sweet baboo and cuts all the scary tricks and replaces them with less risky maneuvers. They take the floor dressed in cute, little 50’s diner uniforms and perform a competent, if not sort of dull, Lindy Hop. The judges immediately pounce on what the rehearsal footage implied, which was that the dance was a tad too safe. It’s hard to argue with that because Julianne was the only one flying out there. Bruno uses a very long-winded and confusing pizza metaphor to say that Chuck’s dance needs to be sharper and rhythmic (with a crispier crust, if you will). He ends up with a 22, which ties him with David (see what I mean now?)



Edyta is finally starting to show signs of frustration with Lawrence. She probably thought she had this season in the bag when she landed the token professional football player. Turns out: no such luck. In rehearsals, Lawrence has trouble finding the character of the Tango, so Edyta invites her hubby, Alec Mazo, to show Lawrence how it’s done. After what we can only assume is some improvement, Edyta and Lawrence take the floor to perform their Tango. The high points are the incredible lifts, which take advantage of Lawrence’s obvious upper-body strength – he lifts Edyta’s entire body up over his head at one point. But the choreography is not as strong as Derek’s and Lawrence doesn’t seem into it at all. In fact, he kind of just stands there while Edyta does all the work. Len goes as far as to say that Lawrence looked uncomfortable out there, which I agree with. Bruno and Carrie Ann, however, interpreted his stony presence as menacing and powerful, but even they sensed a lack of chemistry between the two dancers. He scores a 19, including a brutal 5 (bitch-slap) from Len. That’s gotta hurt.



After last week’s ‘eventful’ routine, Ty and Chelsie are up with another Lindy Hop. I’m thinking this will be a good dance for Ty because it’s kind of all out, no real character, and very athletic. Sure enough, Ty delivers with a terrific routine. His kicks look good, his attitude fits the dance, and he makes the lifts look effortless (it helps that Chelsie is half his size). I did notice a couple of moments when his timing fell apart, but they were few and far between. The judges basically hit on everything I just said about the timing and the musicality, but they are still very much impressed by how much he improves from week to week. He receives a 25, which includes his first 9 (from Carrie Ann).



Now, this is what I’m talking about, you guys. I like Steve Wozniak just as much as the next person, but what is about to happen on my television screen is exactly why he should have been voted out Week 1. He just. Can’t. Do. It. His pre-package is less about learning the Tango and more about how he’s all about working the system. Hey, Steve! Why not practice instead of riding around on your Segway, which is just a bike for lazy people, campaigning for votes?? It’s almost like he doesn’t care that he’s bad. Maybe I respect that a little, but I would much rather he just dance better. Anyway, he and Karina do their thing and… it’s bad, of course. I will say that it looks like Karina is trying to choreograph an interesting routine, but he just sucks so bad! The judges are completely over it and score him straight 4’s.



Melissa and Tony are the first of last week’s top three couples to perform and they’ve got the Lindy Hop. The pre-package allows us to sneak a peek at their terrific working chemistry – these two really seem to enjoy each other. It’s nice to see Tony having fun for a change, isn’t it? My favorite moment of the entire episode occurs when Melissa flips over Tony’s head and face-plants directly into his crotch. That’s classic right there. It’s an excellent routine: tight choreography and spectacular lifts. It’s so good, in fact, that I’m willing to forgive the fact that her outfit makes her look like a sluttier version of Minnie Mouse. Len tells her that she has to potential to go all the way (which everyone knew three weeks ago, so thanks a lot, Len), Bruno loved it, and Carrie Ann must have really loved it because she compliments Tony’s choreography. That’s a big deal! If you’ve followed the show, you probably know that Tony and Carrie Ann have sparred over his choreography on several occasions, so her comments tonight are the reality tv show equivalent to make-up sex.



After being saved last week, Holly is feeling enormous pressure to deliver with her Argentine Tango. If only her body would cooperate. Apparently, a move in last week’s dance tweaked the muscles around her ribcage, and it’s been bothering her ever since. At the hospital she gets a doctor’s approval to continue, but not without losing precious rehearsal time. She starts the routine on a stool and immediately falls right off, and the dance goes downhill from there. It’s sad too, because it looked like an amazing routine. I particularly liked the pretzel lift towards the end – at least she managed not to screw that up. As the judges give it to her straight (Bruno thought Dmitry did all the work, Carrie Ann thinks she needs to lift weights or something to build her strength, and Len gave a shout out to the amazing choreography that we probably didn’t get to see), she keeps ripping out her trademark rapid-fire giggle that makes me want to stuff my ears with alcohol-soaked towels and set them on fire. I understand that the laugh is probably a defense mechanism more than anything, but seriously… there’s a time and place to giggle about how much you suck. Backstage and before the scores, Holly climbs back into my good graces by apologizing to us for crapping all over Dmitry’s fantastic routine. It was the right thing to do and I’m glad she did it. She scores a 16.



Lacey and Edyta should probably get together for cocktails because Lacey’s patience with Steve-O is also showing signs of deterioration. The truth is Steve-O is really lucky to be around still, and it is only thanks to the charitable nature of the voting public that he has made it this far. I’m right there with the voting public – I want to see Steve-O succeed, not just because he’s a recovering addict but because he has shown remarkable potential. When I first heard he was going to be on the show, I was not excited. I guess I thought he wouldn’t take it seriously. Thankfully, he has, and more than I expected, so I really would love to see him do well. In a weird twist, though, the Lindy Hop has him completely stumped. The steps overwhelm him to the point of exhaustion and Lacey seems equally stumped as to how to teach him without frustrating him. The trick, apparently, is to make him dress up in his clown costume. Well… whatever works, I guess. Their routine is hard to watch, really. The potential is still there, but he dances like he isn’t sure of the steps, which I guess he might not be. He is literally one step behind Lacey at all times… in a very obvious way. However, he dances in character and most of the steps are there, even if they aren’t hitting at the right times. The judges are almost sad to critique it because it’s so clear that Steve-O is doing his best. I liked Bruno’s advice about listening more closely to the music - it may help Steve-O connect all of the elements of the dance in his head. And all of them mention that he improved just by getting all the way through the dance. The scores are kind of questionable. With a 15, he got the same score as last week, which doesn’t fit because last week he didn’t even know the steps. I’m not saying he deserved higher or anything, but it is kind of odd…



Cheryl Burke continues her reign of terror in the rehearsal studio. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her push a contestant so hard. And it’s Gilles for god’s sake – he’s an incredible dancer, so I don’t see why she’s being so nasty to him. Well, whatever the reason, it’s totally working. Gilles’s Tango is the best performance of the night. I really don’t have much to say about it: it was sultry, passionate, and brilliantly executed. Even Tom says it was “fierce.” The audience gives them the longest standing ovation of the night and the judges are literally foaming at the mouth to praise it. Carrie Ann is beside herself, fanning herself and blushing and pointing jealously at Gilles’s wife.

"God, it's HOT up in here!"

"I can't feel my FACE!"

Indeed, it was the perfect mix of drama, dynamics, and choreography. I smell a perfect score coming… And I’m right! Perfect 10’s across the board and the first 30 of the season. Gilles makes a point to thank Cheryl for figuratively beating the performance out of him. Methinks she’s got the man whipped, don’t you?



Finally, it’s time for Shawn and Mark, or Shark as they have become known to the fans. They’ve been sporting matching black track suits since the beginning of the show, so it’s not a surprise when they strip them off to reveal two of the tackiest costumes I’ve ever seen on this show. Shawn looks cute in her light blue trunks and tank, but Mark looks like an absolute fool in his fire-engine red ensemble, complete with nerd glasses and head-band. Will my eyes ever stop rolling? Anyway, their pre-package takes place in the gym where Shawn is going to show Mark how she rolls on the balance beam and floor mat. It’s pretty pointless as far as rehearsal footage goes, but at least it gives us this…



The point of all of this seems to be that Team Shark is going to use Shawn’s tumbling skillz to add pizzazz to their Lindy Hop routine, which is a little bit obvious, don’t you think? Sure enough, the routine starts with a tumbling pass courtesy of Shawn Johnson, which we all saw coming. Unfortunately, they seem to have over-compensated with the gymnastics, because the routine never really gels. It’s a lot of awesome tricks, to be sure, but there’s very little actual dancing. I’ll give credit to them for performing a difficult set of flips and tosses, but it would have been nice to see them attempt actual choreography. It’s kind of surprising too because Shawn has already proven she’s up to the task of dancing just about anything… I’m at a loss as to why Mark would trade dancing for gimmicks. Only bad dancers have to go that route. The judges agree with me: the tricks were great, but the dancing, what little there was, was heavy and plodding. They score a 25, which is a significant step down for Team Shark. My advice: lose the theatrics and just dance.

PRESENTATION!!

Here’s how the scores fell at the end of the night:

Gilles – 30
Melissa – 29
Lil Kim – 27
Shawn – 25
Ty – 25
David – 22
Chuck – 22
Lawrence – 19
Holly – 16
Steve-O – 15
Steve – 12

I know Gilles was incredible, but I think my favorite routine of the night goes to Lil Kim. I just can’t get over how awesome she was.

Results:

Let’s not dilly-dally. The bottom three are Steve-O, Holly, and Steve. Many thanks, America. I’m glad we’re all on the same page.

The two couples leaving us tonight are: Holly and Dmitry and… Steve and Karina. YES!! I’ll miss Dmitry and his hot ass, but it was definitely Holly’s time. She just couldn’t keep up with the rest of the competition. And I will certainly not miss Steve. He’s great and all, but if I had to hear him say, “the geeks shall inherit the Earth,” one more time… I might have stopped watching.

Dancing with the Stars Episode 3 Top 12

We’ve had our first elimination of the season (sorry, Belinda), so now we enter that part of the season in which the remaining terrible contestants perform terrible routines and provoke pity in the populace, thus surviving longer in the competition than others who deserve to stay but don’t suck quite enough to pull in the votes. I call it the Sanjaya effect – ever since that prepubescent little shit made it so far on American Idol, causing a ratings bonanza the world has never known, every show on the air has tried to capture that same magic. That is the only way to explain how someone like Steve Wozniak, who I really like personally but totally sucks at this whole dancing thing, made it past the first elimination. Y’all… it only gets worse from here.



See what I mean, after the jump…



Tonight’s dances are the Samba and the Foxtrot and Denise Richards (and Maxsim) is first to Samba. Coming off a week in which she was voted one-of-the-most improved, she seems well on her way to making it far in the competition, which is good news for me because I’m all for seeing Maxsim as long as possible, especially when he’s up to cross-dressing shenanigans.



But the rumor mill has been churning with news that she is very unpopular on the set, what with her diva-like attitude and unfriendly interludes with various departments behind the camera. I’m not one to believe rumors – as a rule – but everything that happens tonight only corroborates the gossip. First of all, the wardrobe department has dressed her in a black micro-hoopskirt, which… ugh, not cute.



Second, the producers have asked her to perform a Samba to Filter’s Take a Picture. Now, I had three weeks of Salsa, so I can speak with authority – Latin dancing is 80% feel. The steps aren’t that hard, but making them look good is nigh impossible unless one can feel the rhythms. So handing her this song is the musical equivalent of telling her to go straight to hell. There is nothing Latin about this song, and I don’t know how anyone could dance these intricately rhythmic steps to it. All I feel when I listen to it is how much I would love a latte right about now… or a nap… but whatever… I definitely don’t feel like dancing the night away somewhere in Latin America. When we add all of that to the fact that Denise isn’t very good in the first place… we get a Samba that can only be described as SamBAD.

The judges are quick to point out the lack of Latin feel (which none of them blame on the music, which is where the blame belongs), and Carrie Ann harps on how terrified Denise looks during the dance. I would be terrified too, I think, because dancing Samba to that song probably feels like dancing a waltz to death metal. So… yes, she was bad, but I’m thinking she was sabotaged. She scores a 16.



Next to take the floor is the couple that this show is desperate for me to love (not gonna happen), Chuck and Julianne. This week they have the Foxtrot and Chuck needs to do all he can to move out from Julianne’s shadow and pull his own weight. In the pre-package, Chuck whines about the judges’ high expectations. Just because he is dating Julianne Hough doesn’t mean he’s a good dancer; he grew up on a potato farm for god’s sake. Well, ok… fine, it is unfair to hold him to higher standards, but he IS paired with Julianne Hough, one of the most popular professionals on the show, so EXCUSE the judges (and me) for not kissing his ass and giving straight 10’s. They start in a sleeping pose and dance around a little bit until eventually falling back into another sleeping pose. Funnily enough, that’s exactly how I felt… sleepy. To be fair, it’s all very nice– we all know Julianne can choreograph the hell out of a dance – but I’m just not into them at all. The judges give him credit for improving and score him a 23.



Holly and Dmitry had a rough week of rehearsal – Holly doesn’t seem to be trying very hard and Dmitry seems to be getting tired of talking to a brick wall, or in this case, a blonde wall. The thing is, I think I really like Holly – I’ve seen her other reality show and there’s a quick-witted, smart, funny woman behind those ginormous boobs, if only this show would allow us to see it. Her Samba is hard to watch, not because it’s particularly bad, but because it’s actually kind of good, except for all those times she loses it. There’s potential there, but it’s almost like she doesn’t trust herself. The judges don’t help matters at all – Len says she’s like a match, hot on top but wooden on the bottom. That’s a terrific simile, to be sure, and not altogether inaccurate, but can we talk about something other than her breasts?



Carrie Ann at least identifies the problem, which is that she is disjointed and uncoordinated. Like a lot of models, Holly is tall and pretty, but very weak – blow on her and she’ll fall down. She needs to work on strengthening her core and stand on her own two feet, rather than allow herself to be dragged around by her partner. That’s a good constructive critique, but I’m not sure Holly can improve her stamina and muscle-strength in one short week. She scores a 17.



Steve-O is still convalescing from his back injury, so rehearsals this past week have been low-key, but he is adamant about his desire to be here and wants to show his fans and the judges that he deserves it. His Foxtrot starts well enough, there’s some nice rise-and-fall and he seems to get the character, but things quickly fall apart about half-way through, and they never come back together. He punctuates this giant fail with a slip (and an ankle-tweak) at the very end. I have to hand it to him, though… he never gave up. A lot of people would have thrown up their hands or asked to start over after screwing up like he did, but he just kept on grooving. I don’t think it even showed up on his face until the very end. Performing live is such a scary thing… a big part of being a good performer is getting through it like nothing happened, and trust me… it’s hard to do. The judges feel just awful for him and score him a generous 15. They could have, and probably should have, gone lower, but it doesn’t even matter: nothing brings out the votes like a gaffed routine. Steve-O isn’t going anywhere tomorrow.



It always seems to take a few weeks for these macho athletes to get into the dancing, and so it is with Lawrence Taylor. What he lacks in enthusiasm for dancing, however, he makes up with sheer competitiveness. He has even given up on his golf-game! You know what, spare me, Ok? He’s pulling in 200 grand for doing this show. One game of golf isn’t much of a sacrifice. All that aside, his Samba tonight is really good. Edyta always makes her partners look good, and Lawrence delivers with good basic steps and the perfect party-feel. He dances so much better when he allows himself to get into it, and tonight he is definitely feeling it. The judges praise his lightness and rhythm, but urge him to display even more confidence and perhaps try some harder choreography. He scores a 20. I do have to mention Tom’s crack at Edyta’s outfit, which went something like, and I’m paraphrasing, “Tune in next week… Edyta will wear the other half of this outfit!” That’s so funny, haha, but really… Edyta is totally wearing more than she usually does.



I love me some Shawn Johnson, but I’m getting a little tired of hearing her downplay her skills. Two weeks ago she fed us some lines about how she isn’t elegant or refined, like somehow, as a gymnast, these aren’t things she knows about. I called bullshit because, while performing back handsprings and tucks whilst balanced on a giant stick might not seem particularly graceful, the same amount of balance and carriage required to look elegant and refined on the balance beam is also required on the dance floor. This week in the Foxtrot, she must be smooth and fluid, and we get the same old story: gymnastics is about power and strength - so this is different for her. Whatever, Shawn.


See, Mark even agrees with me…

As they take the floor, all I seem to notice is how buff she is. That girl could totally beat me up! The dance is beautiful… like, one of the best Foxtrots I’ve seen. She’s smooth, she’s fluid, and the choreography is interesting to watch… all in all, I’m a big fan. So too are the judges: Carrie Ann calls her a princess, Len liked her lovely arms, and Bruno thought she was like a beautiful, bejeweled hamburger. Er… hummingbird. They give her a 27 (three 9s), which is the highest score of the night so far.



Next up are Gilles and Cheryl, and Cheryl is like… some kind of monster during rehearsals. I knew she was tough, and teachers are always kind of rough on their best students, and I’m sure she wouldn’t be doing it unless Gilles responded to it, but Geez… relax. This is supposed to be fun, right? Anyway, Gilles mom is in town and she’s pretty and French and obviously just as in love with her son as we are, so it’s really kind of nice to see. Their Samba is sure to heat things up: the costumes are fire-engine red and the music is El Matador (finally some actual Latin music, go figure) and sure enough… we are en fuego!



We start off with the obligatory ass-zoom, which is what I’ve decided to call the weekly close-up on Gilles’s posterior (woo-hoo!), and it’s hot-hot-HOT from there. He shimmies, he shakes, he makes love to the camera – this man is sexy just standing there, so you can imagine what the audience is going through while watching this dance. The judges are equally affected. Bruno calls him a, “throbbing red-hot poker,” which is just about as suggestive as primetime network TV will allow, and Carrie Ann comments that he is sooo good that Cheryl even had to work to keep up. They each give him a nine, but I think they would have gone higher if it weren’t so early in the season.



David and Kym were super-bummed about last week’s scores (as they should be – they were totally snubbed for no reason), so this week David wants to really break out. They agree that he has to take the spotlight more and prove to the judges he can dance. The rehearsal footage promises lots of leaps and kicks, so Kym is obviously challenging him. Did it pay off? I think so… I really enjoyed this Foxtrot. I thought the Broadway touches were excellent, and David certainly proved that he has the ability to do more complicated choreography. The judges are happy with everything and congratulate him on all the improvement. They score a 24, which is David’s best score so far.



Oh dear. You know… I like Steve Wozniak, but this competition cannot be good for his health. During rehearsals this week, he pulls a hamstring, which should go nicely with that broken foot, and yet he INSISTS on continuing in the competition. Isn’t there some sort of mercy rule, like in amateur baseball? Can’t we invoke that right about now? As much as I enjoy watching him floundering around out there like a sequined whale, isn’t it coming dangerously close to cruel and unusual? Their Samba is… not really a Samba. In fact, it’s not even much of a dance. Why would Karina ask him to do the worm?


Is he practicing the worm or dying? Oh, whatever… it’s the same difference…

I mean, I think I’m scarred for life after watching that. You know what, I’m not even going to talk about the dancing. Let’s talk about Karina’s outfit. I think the wardrobe people might have been going for something witty… let’s dress her up in black and white stripes and glue feathers to the hem. She’ll be a jailbird! Get it?! HA! Nevermind that neither the song nor the routine have anything to do with jail or birds, it’s still funny, right? All I see is the offspring of a zebra and an ostrich… who happens to have a bad perm. Sooo many layers of Fail with these two tonight. The judges’ reaction:



Me too, judges… me too. The judges hold up paddles I’ve never seen them hold up before: 4, 3, and 3, which gives Steve the lowest score in DWTS history: a frikkin’ 10. That is HILARIOUS! Well, the judges are dumb, though, because a score like that is only going to inspire the people to vote. See you next week, Steve.



Things can only go up from here, so let’s talk about Melissa, Tony, and their Foxtrot. Melissa has been logging the Reality TV hours pretty much non-stop lately, so she needs to take a quick trip to Texas to tie up some loose ends. As I’m watching, I can’t help but realize that I don’t really care about her, like… at all, but she doesn’t need me to care, thanks to all of those crossover Bachelor fans. The important thing about all of this, though, is I’m coming awfully close to not disliking Tony Dovolani, which I never thought would happen. I can’t even explain it… is it because he has a good partner so we’re seeing a better side of him – the one that likes to be on the show? We’ll get into this more in future recaps – I’m just as curious to see where it goes as you, I’m sure. The dance is superb… she looks fantastic (I love the gown), their rise-and-fall is on point, and the whole performance looks effortless. The judges are complimentary, but Carrie Ann subtly addresses the controversy surrounding Melissa when she says, “it’s obvious this comes very easy for you.”



Melissa and Tony protest, but come ON, Carrie Ann has a point, even if she isn’t directly calling out Melissa’s previous dance training. If anything, Carrie Ann is doing them a favor: in order to stay in the competition, i.e. keep getting votes, each contestant has to improve from week to week, or they at least have to create the illusion of improvement. In other words, if you’re already an amazing dancer, the only way to ‘improve’ is to perform more difficult dances. And I vehemently agree. They score a 27, which is too high for this early in the competition (just like Gilles), but absolutely deserving.



Last to dance the Samba are Lil Kim and Derek. I love Lil Kim because she’s a firecracker and there is no doubt in my mind that this is incredibly fun for her and she’ll do anything to stay in it. That’s what I like to see. She and Derek are excited for this dance because it’s a chance for her to shake her junk, and there is certainly a lot of junk to shake. Dressed in canary yellow and lots of beading, Lil Kim comes out with hips blazing. Honestly, she is only female contestant so far who seems to have mastered her hips (Melissa was good in her Salsa last week, but it could have been much more), and she is definitely the only one who isn’t afraid to get raunchy. These Latin dances are supposed to be a little bit nasty, and Lil Kim is only one who has managed to bring some nastiness to her routines. I really enjoyed this Samba, although I’ll admit that her top was one over-enthusiastic shimmy away from a wardrobe malfunction. The judges echo my thoughts about the naughtiness she brought to the dance floor, going so far as to call her ass a ‘bionic booty.” She scores a 25, leaving her well within striking range of the leaders.



Backstage, the other contestants greet her by shaking their asses at her, which is the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen on this show. No, seriously… I’m touched.



The last dance of the night belongs to Ty and Chelsie. He is a revelation, isn’t he? I am always surprised by him. He too seems to have gotten over his phobia of looking queer and seems to be getting into the dancing more and more each week. I love to see it. This week, they have to learn a Foxtrot, and once again, the challenge lies in getting his face to reflect the character of the dance. He comes on to the dance floor looking all dashing in his top hat and tails, and GOD he has come a long way, hasn’t he?



And then Chelsie falls, but only for a second (if you blinked, you missed it) and the recovery is excellent. There were a few more awkward moments (I, for one, couldn’t help but watch the hem of Chelsie’s dress, because it was WAY too long, and she’s lucky she didn’t fall 50 times, much less once), but for the most part, it was another splendid performance from the bull-rider. In a way, I’m happy Chelsie fell, because it brings it home that this show is live, and having things like that happen gives the show integrity. Just like with Steve-O, the way one recovers from a mistake is vital. I’ve learned from experience that a bad recovery is what lowers a score, not the mistake itself. So, yeah, Chelsie fell, but he picked her up and danced on as if nothing had happened, and that’s the trick. The judges applaud him for all of that, nit-pick a little on his posture and musicality, and hand over a 23, which is three points higher than last week, and almost 10 points higher than his first dance.

So, that’s that. It was a typical early-in-the-season episode: three great dances, about five good dances, and four real disasters. In my book, the dancers in trouble are Steve, Steve-O, Denise, and Holly.

Here’s the leaderboard:

Shawn and Mark – 27
Gilles and Cheryl – 27
Melissa and Tony – 27
Lil Kim and Derek – 25
David and Kym – 24
Chuck and Julianne – 23
Ty and Chelsie – 23
Lawrence and Edyta – 20
Holly and Dmitry – 17
Denise and Maxsim – 16
Steve-O and Lacey – 15
Steve and Karina – 10

I fully support all these scores, except for maybe Lawrence, who I think should probably be higher than Ty and Chuck.

Results!

I’ve been pondering how I feel about this whole dance-off thing, and I think I’m coming around to liking it… in theory. I think I appreciate the idea that a couple could maybe improve their scores and save themselves, but I wonder how possible it is to trump the viewer votes with a better score. And since the show is never actually going to show us vote totals, just how involved are we, the audience, in this whole affair? Really, I think it’s an excuse for the show to program an hour with what seems like less filler garbage, so I guess I support that, but why on Earth would I want to see crappy dances a second time? Isn’t that why I didn’t vote for them? I guess I don’t have to sort all of this out right now, but let’s say I’m still on the fence.

Tonight we get Hall and Oates and Karina’s spectacularly gross new perm. Also, Adele (my new favorite), some garbage filler about how stressful the dance off is (I guess we can’t get rid of filler altogether, dance off or no dance off), and of course, the dance off, featuring two of last night’s worst dances (again) and Carrie Ann’s Paddlegate 2009.

The results were delivered thus: the first four safe couples are last night’s three top scorers, Melissa, Shawn and Gilles… and… Steve and Karina.



Judges: this man will never go home if you keep being mean to him.

The next four safe couples are: Lil Kim/Derek, Lawrence/Edyta, Chuck/Julianne and David/Kym.

After Steve-O/Lacey and Ty/Chelsie get saved, it leaves us with a dance-off between Denise and Holly, the two Fembots who can’t Samba. Holly goes first and seems to do a little better, but only improves her score by one point. Denise, on the other hand, does much better and improves by four points. The judges seem to be on Denise’s side. Unfortunately, Denise seriously bombed with the viewers, because that improvement in score couldn’t make up for her poor showing in the polls. You know, I didn’t like Denise either, but it seems strangely cruel that she would leave before Steve, doesn’t it? If you had told me at the beginning of the season that Maxsim would leave before Karina, I would have laughed in your face and then smacked you for your insolence. I mean, HOW DARE YOU? But you would have been right. That’s just… sad.



*SOBS*