Dancing with the Stars: Top 13 Part 2

Full disclosure: I did not watch this episode in real time. Monday night, I was violently ill with a debilitating stomach-ache, the likes of which I’ve never known. Seriously, the cramps were so bad, it felt like whatever I had eaten was trying to punch its way back out. I even had to leave work early – but that was more for my co-workers sake than mine. There’s nothing worse than trying to work with someone who appears only minutes away from heaving their lunch all over the conference table. I am nothing if not considerate. Anyway, I went home and got right into bed to sleep whatever it was off, thus missing Dancing with the Stars.

However, since ABC is a compassionate and merciful network, I was able to watch everything online afterwards. American Idol should take note.

Anyway – let’s review from last week. Melissa Rycroft, Gilles Marini and Shawn Johnson emerged as early frontrunners, while Steve Wozniak, Ty Murray and Lawrence Taylor struggled through their first dances. Round Two will feature the Quickstep and the Salsa, and after both nights’ scores are combined, the contestant with the lowest score will get the boot.

Last week, all eyes were on Holly Madison and Melissa Rycroft, who were brought on at the last minute to substitute for the latest victims of the DWTS curse: Jewel and Nancy O’Dell. This week, those eyes are turned upon Steve Wozniak and Steve-O, both of whom have been rumored to have new dancing-related injuries of their own. Sure enough, Lacey Schwimmer descends the grand staircase all by her lonesome because Steve-O had a mishap during dress rehearsal and left in an ambulance. FUN!



A blow by blow account after the jump…



Holly Madison and Dmitry are first. It seems pointless to care about Holly because I seriously doubt she’ll get further than the Top 8 or so, but Dmitry is a stud, so I’ll humor them. Their quickstep is kind of boring, to be honest, even though I appreciate Dmitry’s ass in those tight, gray pants.



I notice that this dance isn’t as strong as their cha-cha, and I also notice that Dmitry looks like he is struggling just as much as Holly. Am I the only one who thinks his kicks look wild? He’s like… out of control out there. I think he almost kicked one of the cameramen. Anyway, the judges aren’t jumping out of their seats, so I guess they were bored too. She scores an 18 – same as last week.



David Alan Grier continues to confuse me, but I think he realized that last week’s antics didn’t really pay off. This week, he seems more himself, cracking jokes his schizo faces from last week and mocking Bruno’s accent. He’s motivated to try some harder moves in order to set himself apart from the rest of the pack, and the pre-package shows him falling and flailing and sweating, etc. so it seems Kym delivered with the more difficult choreography. Their Salsa certainly has some challenging elements in it, and he is clearly working hard, but the choreography is kind of all over the place. I will say this: as tangential as the choreography is, he keeps his face from wandering. He plays the same character the whole time, which is what I was really looking for, so… nice job there. And wow… his little slice about Bruno’s accent must have gone over like a groin-punch. Bruno is uncharacteristically cold and analytical in his critique. He compliments David’s character, but pointedly attacks his rhythm and timing. This is hard to watch, to be honest. Carrie and Len are equally vicious and it makes me wonder if David said something else during those interviews that we didn’t see. His Salsa wasn’t great, but it wasn’t as bad as all that. They score him 6,6,5 – which seem unfairly low. God, David – what did you DO?



Denise Richards and Maksim are next with their Quickstep. Max seems to be more medicated this week; he’s so much nicer in the rehearsal footage. He’s almost warm and encouraging, if you can believe it. The routine is set to Grease’s We Go Together, which is kind of fun, but the dance is strangely slow for a Quickstep. I don’t know if Max dummied down the choreography for Denise or what, but this was just dull. The judges remark on Denise’s obvious improvement and send her off with a 21.



Next to Salsa are Belinda Carlisle and Jonathan. Belinda is still smarting from the critiques she received last week, and Jonathan has to state the obvious that being criticized is part of the experience. Has she ever seen this show? Lucky for her, they get to do the Salsa this week, which is a much looser, free dance – one in which she can really let her hair down and just have fun. Jonathan is even throwing in some Go-Go’s moves to help the process along, which is… nice of him, I guess, but I really can’t think of two dances MORE incompatible and mutually exclusive than 80’s girl-group gyrations and the Salsa. This should be interesting. I will say, after watching, that she did seem to have fun, but I thought the dance was just weird. They never danced in hold – they had like, what has to be the minimum amount of interaction, actually – and most of the movements were corny. Oh, and this is how they chose to end the dance:



Come on – really? That’s just stupid. The judges compliment her sense of fun in the dance, but call out her lack of hip-action and musicality. So… what? She doesn’t have the beat after all? She scores an 18.



Ty Murray seems to have left some of the gay panic behind thanks to lots of encouraging phonecalls from friends and neighbors. Apparently, none of them called him a fag like he feared. See, straightees? It’s all in your heads! His next obstacle is having a good time when he dances, which I can relate to – I’d probably have the same problem. He and Chelsie are putting together a Quickstep this week, and the posture and the steps make it difficult for him to relax and have fun. So Chelsie tells him to change his concentration face from stern to this…



Hmmm… keep working on that, Ty. As their Quickstep starts, I immediately notice that he’s light on his feet and his posture is impeccable. I think the Quickstep might be his dance. At the end, I clapped, not because it was particularly great but because it was unexpectedly competent. He’s just full of surprises. After the audience calms down, the judges rave about his posture – something they credit to his bull-riding, which I didn’t think of, but they might be right – and Len pulls out the caterpillar-butterfly metaphor. After all of that, he scores a 20. I expected higher.



You guys, I can’t take it. Mark Ballas drives me crazy. Can we just send everyone home and have two hours a week of Shawn and Mark rehearsal footage? I’m totally being serious. I remember two seasons ago when Mark tried to teach Kristi Yamaguchi how to be sexy – in fact, that video is still on my YouTube favorites – and tonight we are treated to Part 2. I could watch him shake his ass all day long. I even took screenshots – I’m going to make a desk-top collage out of them later.









So their Salsa is fantastic, because no one does sexy but safe like Mark Ballas. And I know I’ve talked about what a huge fan I am of Mark’s open-vest look. It’s really interesting how all this is playing out, because Shawn is so similar to Kristy in her strengths and weaknesses, and Mark was able to get Kristy through to the end. The judges praise the routine and Shawn’s crispness and execution, but they agree she needs to up her game in the sexy department. It’s true: no one wants to see Shawn Johnson be vulgar, but the Latin dances do demand a certain amount of hip-action, so she can’t be afraid to let it all hang out. All in all, though, it’s an excellent routine which earns them a 24.



I don’t know if you’ve picked up on this, but Steve Wozniak is a big man. That’s why it’s no surprise whatsoever that he encountered some problems with his feet. He’s got a lot of weight to pound around, and his body is very top heavy, which upsets his balance. Add all of that to the fact that he is dancing in ballroom shoes, which have a particularly high heel, and it is absolutely no wonder that he is crushing his foot into a fine powder. But let’s be serious… the producers didn’t cast him because he would be any good. Alas, Steve Wozniak is here to fill the I-know-I-suck-but-I’m-having-a-good-time slot, so let’s not feel too terribly sorry for him, mmmk?



Tonight, he and Karina will perform a Quickstep. Well, perform might not be the best word. How about attempt? Or destroy? At the end – the blessed, couldn’t come sooner end – the judges hand out their paper-plate-award platitudes about how he is so fun to watch and how happy they are that he is enjoying himself, but we all know how bad it was so… they score a 17, which is so generous I think the judges could turn those scores in for time out of purgatory. The only thing that saved this 10 minute segment for me was catching a glimpse of Kathy Griffin in the audience. Hey girl Hey.



Nothing brings out the gay-panic like a Latin dance, and here comes Chuck to prove me right. I don’t know if this rehearsal package was supposed to be funny, but it left me liking this couple even less than I already did (I’m still a little perturbed about the whole real-life-couple competing thing). And Julianne, who I usually like, totally participates in the homophobic banter, even going so far as to throw her own brother into it. I mean, geez, JA – I’m sure Derek has enough trouble proving his heterosexuality already. At least the wardrobe department and I get revenge, for they have sent her on national television dressed like a Carnival Fraggle. HA!



Chuck seems to believe that moving his hips and doing sexy dance moves make him look feminine. Well, if the above photo is any indication, he should be worried about sexy dance moves making him look like a massive TOOL. He does not do sexy well. It doesn’t help that Julianne’s choreography is uncharacteristically crappy. I’m not an expert, but even I could tell there was very little Salsa going on. Thankfully, the judges back me up and hand over a 20.



I’m having trouble connecting to Lawrence Taylor, which makes me sad because I just adore Edyta. I vaguely remember that they performed a passable Quickstep which was much improved over last week’s dance, but that’s about all I got… They score a 20.



Oh, the trials and tribulations of Steve-O. If we will recall, the judges were relatively pleased with his performance last week, but because they didn’t rip off their clothes and perform a ritual celebration dance, Steve-O thinks they weren’t satisfied. So here he is, pressuring Lacey into concocting a wild and crazy Salsa that will be remembered for all time (for good or for ill). He insists on adding stunt elements to the routine, despite the fact that he is having some pre-existing back problems. He even convinces Lacey to add a front-flip to the end of their routine just minutes before taking the stage for dress rehearsal. Well… like all things involving Steve-O, nothing goes exactly to plan. They perform their bizarre, un-Latin-y Salsa for the cameras at the dress rehearsal, and when he goes for his aforementioned front flip at the end, he lands on his mic-pack… hard… and exactly on the bad part of his spine.


So, medics and ambulances and pain-killers and X-rays later… he will not be present to dance his routine during the live broadcast. Rather, the judges will base their scores on the rehearsal, and Lacey will have to stand by herself and take the heat for that garbage. And garbage it is: very little Salsa to be observed, ridiculous stunts, and of course… the fact that he got hurt. They score a 14, which is as low a score as this show goes. If Lacey doesn’t mind some free advice: she needs to rein that boy in. A lot of what happened this week can be traced back to her – don’t let Steve-O choreograph the routine. He’s kind of crazy, after all, and she’s supposed to be the professional.



With her Quickstep, Lil Kim wants to prove that she is elegant and refined, and I’m very interested to see that because everything I know about her seems to indicate otherwise. Well, she’s off to a good start: she looks cute in her red dress and loads of bling. But then I get distracted because the music is Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend, which makes me think of Moulin Rouge, which makes me think of Lady Marmalade, which makes me think of that music video with Lil Kim and her posse (P!nk, Christina Aguilera, Mya and Missy Elliot) – and she is definitely NOT refined or elegant in that video, so none of that helps her make her case here. But, as usual, Derek’s choreography is stellar, and they perform a delightful little routine that allows her to be cute AND materialistic at the same time. The judges nit-pick about body contact, but ultimately reward her with a 23, which is a high score for the night.



It’s Melissa Rycroft’s turn, but before I get to her dance, I must address the controversy surrounding her appointment to this show. Ok, so… Melissa has a background in ballet and cheerleading, which, according to some, gives her in an unfair advantage in the competition. This is true. But I’m going to go on the record as saying that none of that crap matters, and I’ll tell you why. It’s true that Melissa has more dance training than the others which might help her in some ways, but if we’re going to follow that logic then we would have to kick out every pop star that has ever been on the show, and MOST of the athletes. Melissa’s ballet and cheerleading skills do not necessarily translate to ballroom dancing any more than Shawn’s gymnastics training does. In the same way, it could be argued that just because Joey Fatone and Drew Lachey and Lance Bass happened to be in boy bands doesn’t necessarily make them better at the Foxtrot than an actor or a former professional football player. Further, we have to accept that every single athlete who has participated in this show has an unfair advantage because they are AT LEAST in good physical shape. In a way, every contestant has some kind of advantage over at least one other contestant, whether it’s their pop-music background or athletic background or their ability to find shoes that fit. None of them have ever done ballroom dancing, and that is what balances everything out. And to bring my argument home: we have to remind ourselves that Melissa was brought into the competition a mere two days before the premiere, which means she has had the least amount of preparation and training. I think that obvious disadvantage mitigates whatever alleged advantages she might bring to the table. Am I right? Of course I am.



Melissa’s and Tony’s Salsa is a crowd-pleaser! It’s fast, energetic, tricky and sexy – everything the Salsa is supposed to be. I have no idea what those outfits are about, but hey… can’t win ‘em all. I will say that their amazing performance might have something to do with their choice of music, The Cup of Life, which was one of only a few songs tonight that actually said Salsa to me. It’s hard to capture the spirit of a Latin dance when the music is completely incongruous to it. The producers certainly gave them a hand-out with that one. Anyway, the judges are rabid with praise – the hips, the energy, the great turns and footwork – and I can’t disagree. They end up with an astonishing 26 (two 9’s), and you know Tony is just loving this. After years of kind of getting screwed, he finally has a great partner.



Closing the show is Gilles and Cheryl, with a Superman Quickstep. You know, this would have been a whole lot more interesting if we hadn’t already visited the Superman thing already (Helloooo, Cameron Mathison). Before we get to the dance, though, I have to mention – AGAIN – how obsessed this show is with his ass. I swear they zoom into it every chance they get. I’m not complaining – like, at all – but I just want ya’ll to know that I’m noticing the subtle manipulations at work here. The music is that Kryptonite song, which is just odd if you ask me, but the dancing is beautiful. He makes such a pretty picture out there on the dancefloor. It probably helps that he is the embodiment of romance with his tallness and darkness and handsomeness.



He ends all splayed out under the camera with his shirt ripped open with a giant purple G on his chest, and I’m… turned on, I suppose, but I’m also rolling my eyes a little because that was seriously the stupidest thing I’ve seen in a long time. The judges, however, are ALL OVER IT! They love his French class and American flair, and award him with three 9’s. I’m not going to say he didn’t deserve a score as high as 27, but I don’t think that was my favorite dance of the night.

The standings for the night are as follows:
Gilles – 27
Melissa – 26
Shawn – 24
Lil Kim – 23
Denise – 21
Chuck – 20
Ty – 20
Lawrence – 20
Holly – 18
Belinda – 18
Steve – 17
David – 17
Steve-O – 14

Ok, the very idea that David Alan Grier got the same score as Steve Wozniak is preposterous. I know he pissed the judges off, but if they can’t even give a reasonably unbiased score than this whole show is a joke.

The combined scores don’t change the order much (well, at least at the top):

Gilles – 51
Melissa – 49
Shawn – 47
Lil Kim – 44
Chuck – 40
Denise – 39
Lawrence – 36
Holly – 36
David – 36
Belinda – 35
Ty – 34
Steve-O – 31
Steve – 30

Results!

So, the big news is that the bottom two will have a dance-off. I’m not a fan of the dance-off, really, because I like the idea of the public vote being FINAL. And at this stage, I wouldn’t mind seeing any of the people towards the bottom of the leader board head home, so I see all of this nonsense as a way to delay the inevitable. But nobody asked me.

I think the Bottom 2 will be Steve and Ty. Steve is so terrible, America has no choice but to show mercy and NOT vote for him. And so few people know who Ty is.

But of course, there’s 45 minutes of show before the eliminations come up and there were some good moments.



I loved Cameron Mathison’s survival guide, it’s nice to see him and his chest again.



And did anyone else notice Chelsea Trail in the Stars of Dance segment? Chelsea… you know, from the last season of So You Think You Can Dance?? Thayne’s partner? Together they were the Chayne Gang? Oh nevermind.

Ok, eliminations: The Bottom 2 are Steve (check) and Belinda (what?!). Wow, I’m actually quite surprised. I’m not going to lie, I skipped the dance off, but I do know that Belinda got the boot. Strangely, I couldn’t care less about her – I just feel bad for Jonathan. I mean, he so rarely gets good partners, and even when they’re decent, they faint or want to dress up like dolls. The man just Can. Not. Win!

I'm usually not this dramatic...

... but I can safely say that my life is now complete.



Seriously, because of the above picture, I count this life as 100% fulfilled.

I mean, what else could there possibly be?

...reacts to American Idol Top 13

You know, even though this is only the first week of the finals, I feel like this season has already gone on too long. Maybe next season I’ll start acting like everyone else I know and tune in only after the finals start. I think it might save me a lot of grief. For one thing, had I not watched from the beginning, I might be fully on board with Danny Gokey, except, no, I have been watching, and I’m still as disgusted with him as ever, which puts me at odds with the rest of America. I’m having flashbacks of last season – I really hated David Cook for most of the first half, and it kind of ruined the whole thing for me, because everyone else and their moms were lifting up their skirts every time he came on stage. And now Danny Gokey is getting similar treatment, and I kind of can’t stand it. One of two things must happen for me to stay on good terms with this season: Gokey gets himself eliminated OR he does something so completely awesome that I’m forced to forget everything I thought about him and re-position him in my brain. David Cook almost did that (I said almost), so it IS possible, but I didn’t hate him nearly as much as I hate Danny Gokey. All I’m saying is I probably won’t ever like Danny Gokey, but I’m opening up the doors for negotiation, but only a smidge, and he will have to work very hard to squeeze through them.

Aaaanyway – here I am, making this whole season about Danny Gokey, which is EXACTLY what the producers want, so I’m part of the problem, I guess.

On to logistics: if you did the smart thing and are just now tuning in, you’ll notice that there are 13 finalists, as opposed to the usual 12. That’s because the judges saved Anoop at the end of last week’s results show. I believe that Anoop was always going to make it, though, so really… someone else got saved and they have Anoop to thank for it. That’s my theory, anyway. Also of note, a new layer to the competition has been added, called the judges’ save. At any point prior to the Top 5, the judges can save an eliminated contestant, thus trumping America’s vote. The next week, all the contestants will compete again, and the two lowest vote totals will get the boot. The judges’ save can only be used ONCE. There has been much bally-hoo about this new development across the interwebs, most of it bad, but I think it’s actually a neat trick. First, the judges aren’t really trumping America’s vote, really, because America is supposed to be voting for their favorite. If that is truly happening, and the person with the least fans is going home at the end of every week, then there wouldn’t be any issue. But on this show, every now and then, an obvious favorite gets screwed over by the fates – sometimes their votes get split, or they have a good but unmemorable performance, or another contestant is suddenly diagnosed with a disease… or whatever. It’s happened before (JHud, Daughtry, Tamyra, etc.) so the judges simply want an insurance policy against irresponsible voting.

Really, they’re trying to save us from ourselves. It might seem like outright manipulation and interference, but really it’s just another way the producers control the outcome. If we’ve managed to get over the transparent way the show pimps certain contestants over others every week of every season thus far, I think we can get over this.

Enough of that. It’s Michael Jackson night, so please hide the children. Recap of performances after the jump…



This is the first week in which the contestants have access to Idol’s cracker-jack glamour squad, and for some reason, they’ve chosen to outfit Lil Rounds in Carrie Bradshaw’s leftovers. The pants don’t fit and there’s a huge floral tumor growing out of her left shoulder. The good news is she is singing The Way You Make Me Feel, which is one of my favorites. I’m a fan of Lil because she manages to inflect her own swagger and style on every song she sings without being ostentatious about it. On this night, her riffs are tasteful, her improvisations are subtle – there’s really nothing to complain about. I think Lil is probably going to tread water like this for the next 6 weeks, which is smart. There’s no need to take any big risks until she has to, and unless she just bombs one night, I think she’s a lock for Top 6. And seriously, if the only thing Simon can think to critique is her outfit, than she’s doing just fine.



There’s more to Scott MacIntyre than being blind and having a hot brother. He also has a blind sister. Tonight, he will sing Keep the Faith (a song I’ve never heard) and play the piano. You know, I have to give him his props because I think it is hard enough to play the piano and sing at the same time, even with SIGHT, so I’m impressed. I just wish the singing was better. He has a nice tone most of the time, but whenever things get out of his natural register, it all goes up his nose. I keep expecting him to honk or something. The judges are complimentary, except for Simon who blasts him for choosing an unknown song (Amen, Simon), but all in all, a good night for Scott. I have to say, though, I found it hard to watch him again… and I’m starting NOT to feel bad about it. I think I would be less creeped out if he wore some sunglasses, but I also don’t expect him to change anything for my own comfort. This is just the way it’s probably going to be… I’m going to continue being uncomfortable and he’s going to keep making me uncomfortable until we get used to one another and the problem is solved on its own. Seriously, though, I haircut would really help. He looks like Richard Simmons.



Damn my eyes and ears, Danny Gokey does not suck. Now his family, on the other hand, with their housework sing-a-longs… they suck. But his performance of P.Y.T. most certainly does not, and it’s killing me a little bit. Even the dancing, which was terrible, came across as cutely self-deprecating and endearing and how the hell am I supposed to hate him for that? And I have to give him credit for picking an upbeat, fun number instead of the “hopeful” and “inspiring” garbage I might have expected. His vocals were a tad screechy and out of control, but even that didn’t bother me as much as it might have under other circumstances. The judges slather on the praise because that’s what they have been programmed to do, and I’m left to wonder what I’m going to do with all of my rage.



Michael Sarver picked You Are Not Alone, which everyone knows, so I’m curious to see what he does with it. It’s got a little country twang to it, not a lot but enough, and he changes the melodies up only slightly, perhaps because he knows that too much change will infuriate the purists. I thought his rendition was a pleasure to listen to, but he needs to work on his facial expressions – sometimes he looks deranged and they mess up his vowels. And can I just say that I’m glad he chose this song, as opposed to Gokey or Scott, because from him I don’t get the sense that he has ulterior motives. The judges rave about his vocals, and both Simon and Kara mention how well he connects to the song emotionally. It’s a good performance, but once it’s over I forget about it immediately.



Out of all the Wildcard contestants, I think Jasmine Murray has the least backing from the populace, probably because she is the weakest vocalist out of the Top 13. I understand why the judges picked her (even if she took a spot that should have gone to Jesse Langseth) – she’s young and poised and cute – but none of that matters if the vocals are bad. Tonight, she takes on I’ll Be There, another song that everyone knows. She looks cute, so there’s that, but again… the vocals are lacking. She’s flat on every high note, which Paula, who is having some kind of night, points out in her critique. I think with Jasmine, the performances have been very blah – decent singing with no personality. If she can’t draw us in her with attitude, then we have nothing to attach to. There are worse singers in the world who make it very far on personality alone, so Jasmine Murray proves that in order to make it, you kind of need both.



Kris Allen is fine as hell, and even though I don’t normally go for his type, I have no issue liking him based purely on looks. Hey… I don’t make the rules – good looking people are just better! He has chosen Remember the Time, another one of my favorites, and he has strapped on his guitar for accompaniment. Strangely, or not really, I don’t remember much about his performance. I do, however, remember his bright smile, tight ass, and cute facial ticks (he licks his lips a lot). I have to count on the judges to fill me in on how the singing went, and apparently it went pretty well. Randy thinks he has a Jason Mraz quality (why? Because he sings out of the side of his mouth? You’ll have to do better than that, Randy…), and Kara and Paula feel the need to make him aware of how sexy he is, which… DUH!! Simon knows how these things work, though, and warns Kris that it might have been too early to introduce the world to his wife, who is in the audience looking quite pissed, actually. Look, Mrs. Allen… this is the world we live in. It isn’t easy having a gorgeous husband at the best of times, so it’s even harder to have a famous, gorgeous husband. Just ask Hugh Jackman’s wife, she knows all about it.



Is it weird that I had no idea that Allison Iraheta was Latina? How did I miss that? Her parents are from El Salvador, and I will say that I can definitely see the Latina in her tonight. Maybe her make-up was different last time I saw her… or something. Anyway, tonight she will perform Give In To Me, another song I don’t know, but it doesn’t matter because it is awesome. There are so many things going for Allison: she has the most authentic rock vocals I’ve ever heard from a female on this show (and I include Kelly Clarkson and Gina Glocksen), plus she is the only one of her kind this season, which should help her. Also, she’s so young; she probably won’t balk at changing things about herself, which is an absolute must in the industry. She does need to work on her off-stage personality a little bit – her interviews are the only times when I can tell she’s kind of awkward and immature. But even then, she’s off-beat and strange, which is never a bad thing.



Ya’ll know Anoop is the annopple of my eye, so this performance of Beat It was like a nightmare for me, and not just because it was terrible. The girls in the typing pool have been giving me a hard time for loving him (they’re all about Kris and Danny, which I don’t begrudge them), so I’ve found myself on the defensive. And this is how Anoop repays me. I thought the performance was pitchy, corny, and amateur. He says he was going for high-energy – all I saw was a guy sapping all the energy right out of the room. Simon nails it, as usual: the song needs to be performed aggressively, and Anoop’s popped collar and new haircut is about as far from aggressive as… well, an upper-middle-class Indian kid performing Michael Jackson. In other words, this was a doomed venture from the very start. I did, however, enjoy the new haircut.



Jorge Nunez’s entire family is crowded around the TV down in Puerto Rico as he takes the stage to perform Never Can Say Goodbye, yet another tune I’ve never heard of. I don’t know what it is, but I really like this guy’s voice… I could listen to him all day. I’m not sure he performs particularly well, because I catch myself looking away pretty often, like to look at a magazine or write out my grocery list. But his singing is excellent. The judges, for some reason, basically throw their drinks at him with criticisms ranging from old-fashioned to unemotional to corny. I don’t understand where all this coming from, because I thought it was fine. I wonder what Jorge did to piss them off… and then I wonder if I really care… and then I think, no I don’t, so I must not care for Jorge too much either. Well played, judges… well played.



Megan Joy is next with her rendition of Rockin’ Robin, which I do know. And I love it. I can’t explain it – I know a lot of people thought it was the pinnacle of suck – but there’s just something about her that works for me. Vocally, I thought her performance was interesting – I loved the quirky little touches here and there. I mean, at least she thought about making the song her own. I think Megan’s biggest challenge is going to be song choice, because frankly, I’m not sure there’s anything in the Michael Jackson songbook that fits her personality. This issue is only going to get worse. What the hell is she going to sing on Latin night? Well, in this instance I don’t really care what the judges think. I enjoyed her performance; I even downloaded it (there’s a first time for everything).



I can’t wait for Adam Lambert to perform in drag. I mean, I don’t think he will (Show will not allow it), but wouldn’t that be something? He has chosen to sing Black or White (FANTASTIC song), but rather than sing it, he runs around the stage like he’s being chased by homophobes. WHY IS HE SCREAMING EVERY WORD!!? I’m a big fan, seriously… I think he’s an amazing vocalist with incredible presence on stage, and I’m excited about his place in Gay/American Idol relations, but I did not enjoy this performance. I want him to sing something along the lines of what he did in Hollywood (Cher’s Believe), because I enjoy hearing actual singing! Anyway, the judges fall over themselves, kissing his ass and otherwise acting ecstatically, which I’m happy about, because that means he’ll stick around for awhile and maybe he can sing something I’ll like.



Matt Giraud has the honor of following Adam Lambert, and I can’t help but sense that the audience hasn’t quite calmed down yet. There’s an intensity in the room that has nothing to do with him. He sings Human Nature at the piano, and honestly, I don’t remember a damn thing about it. I think my ears were still ringing from all of Adam’s carrying on. And since the clock is running out, the judges don’t really have time to critique him. They seem to like him, though, but that might just be because they don’t have time to complain.



The final spot of the night goes to Alexis Grace, and she’s wearing black formal shorts – actually, it might be a onesie. It’s gross, whatever it is. She sings Dirty Diana, which I haven’t heard, but I like and will download immediately after the show. Her vocals are predictably very good – she has good dynamics and the song builds nicely. I dig it. Again, the judges fly through some pointless comments which fall mostly positive, so Alexis can sleep easily, I think.

I had forgotten how exhausting these two hour performance shows can be. I’m seriously tuckered out. At the same time, I’m excited about how many singers I actually like this season. It’s been so long since I’ve cared… I’m feeling things and I’m not sure I appreciate it. My favorites right now are probably Allison, Alexis, Kris and Adam, with the understanding that Kris is only up there because I like to look at him and Adam is kind of on notice after tonight’s performance. The ones in trouble are probably Jasmine (for being the weakest vocalist and kind of boring), Micheal (for disappearing into the background), Anoop (for a truly heinous performance), and Jorge (for not connecting to the audience in any way).

Results!

No point beating around the bush: Jasmine and Jorge go home. And I have the feeling this will be the only elimination episode that doesn’t break my heart. I pretty much like everyone left – some more than others - but it’s safe to say I’ll miss any who leaves. If I try to be objective, though, I’m pulling for early eliminations for Matt G, Scott, Megan, and Michael, but only because I find them the least interesting. I would put Gokey in the same category, but I’m not retarded… I know he’ll be around for awhile whether I like it or not. Anoop needs to turn things around, that’s for sure. And Lil needs to have a breakout performance soon as well, because she is close to being taken for granted as the best singer, which might be true, but she is certainly NOT the most interesting contestant. We might as well rename this season Operation Take Down Danny Gokey, because that’s what it is… already.

Dancing with the Stars: Top 13 Part 1

Welcome to another season of the world’s most dangerous reality T.V. show: Dancing with the Stars. Uninsured celebrities need not apply.



Since premeditating this season, two celebrities have already been forced to drop out for dancing-relating injuries. Jewel fell victim to fractures in both legs (Yeeeouch!) and Nancy O’dell freaking tore her meniscus (which, after some extensive research on wikipedia, is something important in the knee). Neither of these ladies look particular fragile, so what I have to ask is: what the hell kind of dances have they been learning? I know ballroom dancing is physical, but damn…

Dance by dance, after the jump…



Li’l Kim would like to dedicate her cha-cha to all her girlfriends in prison, which is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. It’s such a shame she brought that gem out in the first 10 minutes of the show, because we could have used it later (it’s all downhill from there). As the Latin-infused beats of Nasty Boyz (?) comes on, “Black Barbie and Ken” dance a perfectly adequate cha-cha. I immediately notice that she has good hip action and footwork. I also notice that her face looks almost as tight as Derek’s pants, which is VERY. The judges make the usual nonsensical remarks and score her straight 7’s, which is a respectable way to start on this show. I feel I must address the “prison” issue, because it seems to be coming up a lot and people are confused. Li’l Kim served time in prison for conspiracy and perjury (she apparently lied under oath to protect a friend), so it’s not like she went to jail for cutting someone or something. It does seem kind of strange to giggle and laugh about a stint in prison, especially on camera to an audience that may or may know what exactly happened, but I don’t think Li’l Kim is ashamed or embarrassed about her criminal record, so there’s no point in keeping it under wraps. I did laugh, though, when Tom Bergeron cracked a joke at her expense (“I’d like to dedicate my hosting duties to the guys at Rikers Island…”), even if Li’l Kim didn’t find it particularly funny.



Belinda Carlisle is up next, and she and her partner, Jonathan Roberts, will grace us with the first epically boring dance of the season. I think the Waltz is my least favorite ballroom dance, at least on this show. Professionally, it’s fast and spinning and almost dizzying to watch, but watching Jonathan and Belinda do it, zzzzzz. It seems Belinda was worried about the spins making her dizzy, so much so that she is anxious about perhaps vomiting on the dancefloor. That would be awesome. Meanwhile, we never see Jonathan teach her how to spot turns, which would be really helpful. Anyway, like I said, the dance is boring and Belinda is incredibly stiff, thudding around the floor like she’s a 500 lb. bedazzled statue. The judges agree with me and score her at 17.



Next is Lawrence Taylor, the one who played football. He feels the pressure to do as well as all the previous professional football players, and based on his cha-cha, he has a long way to go. What we have here is an example of the paradox that plagues many a hot-blooded hetero celebrity on this show: the fear of looking foolish tends to make one dance stiff and straight, which makes one look like an uncoordinated oaf. Why must all of these men be afraid to move their hips? Is it because it looks gay? I lose patience with this – it’s every season with this show. If you’re worried about looking twee, you probably shouldn’t agree to be on this show. Anyway – sure enough, Lawrence lets his insecurities get the best of him. Despite all of Edyta’s efforts to make the dance exciting, all I can see is how wooden and uninvolved he is. The judges hand him a 16.



Here comes Steve-O. I was hard on him in my premeditative post, but it turns out he has been in rehab for a couple of months facing his demons. He hopes DWTS will be a wholesome activity and a good addition to his post-rehab regimen. I’m sure it won’t hurt his career, either. He is much more behaved in the rehearsal footage than I would have expected, and Lacey Schwimmer seems up to the challenge of keeping him on track. Johnny Knoxville and Weeman are in the audience to join us as we watch the most bizarre waltz I’ve ever seen on this show. Steve-O is obviously enjoying himself, which is a plus, but he performs the dance like it’s one of his stunts; no rhythm, no grace, no control. Despite all of this (and quite a few miffed steps), I have to agree with the judges that it was decent for a first outing, but he’s got a lot of work to do. At least he’s entertaining. He scores a 17.



Gilles Marini is next and I’ve been looking forward to this, because up to this point all I know about him is that he has a penis and likes to show it, which forces me to think of him as a slice of man-meat, as opposed to an actual person. It seems this show thinks similarly because the camera wastes no time before zooming in on his ass during the rehearsal footage (and seriously, thanks!). His partner, Cheryl Burke, raves about his natural abilities, that is… when she isn’t admonishing him for being too feminine. They show us so much footage of Cheryl calling him a woman that I’m wondering what they want me to take from it all. Am I supposed to think he’s a fruitcake? Is that supposed to be a bad thing? Their cha-cha is fantastic thanks to Gilles natural Latin fire and an obvious talent for dancing (and Cheryl’s choreography, I guess). The judges give him a 24… very high marks for a premiere.



Moving on to Chuck Wicks and Julianne Hough: we’re subjected to the first (of many…I presume) excruciating rehearsal packages in which we explore the trials and tribulations of trying to be a couple and a “couple” at the same time. Julianne finds Chuck to be the most frustrating pupil she has ever had, while Chuck ADDs all over the place. This is going to get real old real fast. Their waltz is almost impressive – lots of fast spins and fast footwork – but Chuck looks confused a good bit of the time, and Julianne is clearly pulling him along. The judges, after commending him on his natural grace, urge him to work on refining his movements and dancing less frantically. He scores a 20 (too high in my opinion, especially considering the obvious LIFT!)



After checking in with Jewel and her bum legs, we are introduced to her replacement: Holly Madison, previously known for being one of Hugh Hefner’s pieces of arm-candy. Historically, women like Holly have not fared well on this show, probably because of the show’s voting base, which I imagine to be mostly housewives and gays. She threatens the housewives and lacks the personality to turn on the guys, so basically she’s cannon fodder. I worry even more for her because her partner is Dmitry Chaplin, a new and relatively unknown professional. What Dmitry lacks in name recognition he makes up by being incredibly attractive. The new couple has only had about a week to prepare their cha-cha, so we shouldn’t expect perfection. As they dance, I can see some tentativeness on Holly’s part, and Dmitry is visibly coaching her through it, but all in all, it’s a totally passable performance. The judges comment that she has great potential and will probably be a contender once she’s caught up with the others. The question, though, is whether or not this audience will get behind a Playboy model… She scores an 18.



I lost a huge bet with the girls in the typing pool because Ty Murray showed up to the premiere without a cowboy hat perched atop his head. I will probably hold a grudge. Ty is about as country as this show has ever gotten, so of course he’s uncomfortable with all the hip-swinging and butt-shaking. He mentions at least five times that all of his friends are probably laughing at him, so I must scream at my TV, “WHY DID YOU COME ON THE SHOW THEN?!” But then I remember Jewel and how this was supposed to be some sort of ratings coup - a real-life married couple competing against each other - and I think he was probably roped into this, much like the poor cows at his rodeo, and then I feel a little sorry for him. Well, don’t worry, Ty… you probably won’t be around for long. I’m sad, though, because I love Chelsie Hightower. Girl, that’s called pulling the short straw – better luck next season. Their cha-cha is awkward, scary, and very hard to watch. He totally loses it about halfway through – Chelsie can only cover so much. I will say, though, that despite his reservations and obvious discomfiture, he did try very hard. I think the judges agree, because they score him at a very generous 14.



YAY! Shawn Johnson and Mark Ballas. I’m very excited about this pair. Unfortunately, the show has opted to start them with a waltz, rather than a hot and sexy Latin dance, so I suppose I’ll have to wait another week before seeing Ballas’s hips blazing around the dance floor like I like it. The show also refuses to let us forget Shawn’s young age, as evidenced by her inability to suppress her giggles during rehearsals. Honestly, I think she is handling herself quite well – I don’t know what I would do if Mark Ballas looked at me that way. Actually, yes I do. But I’ll save it for myself. Aaaanyway, their waltz is great, as expected. Shawn would like us to believe her gymnastics won’t help her in the competition, but that’s just bullshit. The gymnastics have taught her how to be graceful and poised and balanced, so she should just own it. The judges score her well (23), but they do call her out for her PRESENTATION arms. Also, is it just me, or is her voice a lot less squeaky than it was at the Olympics? Thank God.



Oh, Steve Wozniak. I laugh and I cry and I shake my head. There are times when I find his dorkiness endearing and then there are times when I really want the other professional dancers to stuff him in a locker. I mean, I thought most nerds kind of grow out of it, but Steve is probably no less socially awkward than he was at 13. I love it when he spouts off some nerd-speak in front of Karina, because her looks of incredulity are priceless. Seriously, her eyes glaze over like she’s trying to find her happy place. Of course, the dance is terrible. He’s flat-footed and sloppy, and there are many wince-worthy moments. But, at the same time, he is so into it, it’s impossible not to smile. The judges’ reactions are complimentary (he’s having fun) but damning (Bruno called him a teletubby of all things). He scores a 13.



Poor Kym Johnson has no idea what to do with David Alan Grier. Neither do I. I don’t know if I found his shtick funny or annoying. I do know that he comes across kind of crazy, and I’m not sure if that’s on purpose or not. I am curious, however, to find out… so well played, DAG. Their waltz is actually pretty solid as far as technique goes, but he makes some of the strangest faces. The waltz face is serene and happy, but he looks like he is coming unglued. I’m glad the judges mention it, because that means they found it as disconcerting as I. They score a 19, and it would have been higher if it hadn’t been for a lift in there somewhere.



It’s only the first week and Maxsim has already made his partner cry. That man sure works fast. Is he really that much of a douche bag or is Denise Richards just too sensitive? I have to be honest; I’m not much interested in watching these two kids fight every week. Just shut up and dance, Richards, because if you suck and get kicked off early I’ll give you something to cry about. Sadly, their cha-cha isn’t fantastic – she’s stiff and wooden and frightened of the steps, leaving Max to do most of the work (and work he does). The judges collectively encourage her to let go more and PERFORM, which I think she can probably do (she better), if only to keep Max from yelling at her some more. She receives an 18. As a superficial aside: has Max gained some weight, esp. in the posterior area? I’m not complaining at all, it just seems juicier than usual back there, and trust me, I was looking.



Last and certainly least: Melissa Rycroft, the 11th hour replacement for Nancy O’Dell. I have never seen a single episode of The Bachelor or any of its derivatives, so I have no idea who this chick is, but the internets tell me that she was chosen by The Bachelor and then un-chosen in a despicable way, so we’re all supposed to love her and support her because she done been wronged something awful. She was pulled into this venture less than two days ago and has been paired with Tony Dovalani (not sure which of those is worse), so tonight we’re going to see the most under-rehearsed waltz in DWTS history. Yippee. But shut up, everyone, because their performance is actually quite good – like, a whole lot better than some of the others. Sure, Tony has to verbally coach her the whole time, which is kind of distracting, but she certainly doesn’t suck. The judges are impressed and score her a 23, which is tied for the second highest score of the night.

Here’s how things stand at the end of Round 1. Next Monday is Round 2 followed by eliminations on Tuesday.

Gilles and Cherly – 24
Melissa and Tony – 23
Shawn and Mark – 23
Li’l Kim and Derek – 21
Chuck and Julianne – 20
D.A.G. and Kym – 19
Holly and Dmitry – 18
Denise and Maksim – 18
Belinda and Jonathan – 17
Steve-O and Lacey – 17
Lawrence and Edtya – 16
Ty and Chelsie – 14
Steve and Karina – 13