Monday, July 21, 2008

I’m alive and so are you…



Sorry I’ve been such a slacker with the blog lately. Call it an unplanned hiatus. Granted, the work issue has been bad for business, but I think I’ve turned the corner. I can’t blog, necessarily, but I can work on posts. I’m to the point that even if my boss suddenly appeared over my shoulder and read what I was writing, I wouldn’t care. I’d be all, "well… it isn’t like you’re giving me anything to do, so I’m just killing time, right? Transition and all that? you lazy bitch… oops, did I just say that out loud?"

I’m not bitter. I’m just bored.

Anyway, I know my readers will forgive me. At least, I know you’ll be nicer about it than my blog. When I signed on and opened up a post page, the first thing it did was shriek and crouch in a corner looking at me through its fingers, kind of like it was seeing a ghost. After a few moments, it said, in between involuntary shudders and gasps of breath, “Reeva? Is it really you?” After I responded in the affirmative, it jerked up and made for my throat. It throttled me violently as it screamed, “What! You don’t call, you don’t write. I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!! Of all the rotten, horrible, thoughtless things you could do… I mean, it’s been WEEKS!!” With the little breath I could manage, I managed to squeeze out, “Geez, I’m sorry. I’ve been uninspired (gasp), and a wee bit depressed (wheeze) about things, and I didn’t want to (choke) bother you with complaints because I enjoy the idea (huff/puff) that my blog is half-way fun to read, instead of a downer.”

Happily, my platitudes (my very earnest and sincere platitudes) had an effect, and the bitch let go.

The blog went right back to business, even as the color began to return to my face. It adjusted its spectacles, whipped out its trusty clipboard of potential blogposts, and began to go over the to-do list…

“Alright, you lazy bastard,” it began, “we have a lot of work to do:
1. You are three weeks (I said THREE! [1, 2, 3]) behind on So You Think You Can Dance recaps. It seems unrealistic to expect full and detailed recaps, so management has agreed to let you do short versions…
2. You’ve seen two movies, Hancock and Wall-E, both of which you liked. I need to know why...
3. A new season of Big Brother and a new season of Project Runway have started without any commentary. This is a travesty and must be rectified immediately…
4. You’ve read three whole books (I know, weird) and I’m dying to know how that went…
5. You’ve watched the first season of Torchwood, a UK sci-fi show about bisexual alien-hunters. How was that for you?...
6. You knitted a scarf and it is IMPERATIVE that you show it off…
7. Not to MENTION the loads upon loads of celebrity gossip and hot men that have percolated through the blogosphere.”

I said, “Um… wow. That’s quite a lot, isn’t it?”

Without any sympathy, my blog responded, “Well, it’s your fault for letting things pile up like this. The good news is I’ve checked your appointments: work should be slow (yeah, I know, right?) this week, and you’re on vacation the week after, so I think you’ve got time. BUT, you need to get a move on, because those T.V. shows are just going to keep airing new episodes, and the celebrity gossip stops for no man.”

“Well, I suppose I should… get to it.”

“Indeed.”

“I missed you…”

“Aww… that’s sweet. Now shut up and type.”



Here’s the deal! I plan to tackle the to-do list with several posts, so check back often. Now that I’ve typed this, it’s kind of a commitment, so I do to follow through, I just can’t promise I’ll do it in a timely manner. Anyway, I’m back…

3 comments:

Mary said...

Listening to the commentary from your blog, it (she? he?) really is a bitch isn't it? Apparently your blog has never read anything about Blogging Without Obligation.

You've read three books in three weeks? Dish!

This is blasphemy, I know, but even though there is a new season of Project Runway, I haven't started watching because I was starting to find the whole thing tedious. I'll be watching your posts to see if it's worth watching.

(If your blog gets nasty again, I'd suggest a smart backhand. That'll shut it up. :) )

Erin G said...

know what? I bet you do really talk to your blog! :)

and, um. british bisexual alien hunters? whaaaaaat?

Reeva*Dubois said...

Mary - this season of Project Runway is two episodes in, and so far so good, I suppose. Although, the cast is certainly NOT as good as last year.

My blog can get nasty, but clearly I antagonized it ;-)