Dancing with the Stars Season 7...

Turn in your Team Yamaguchi T-shirts at the door, because a new season of Dancing with the Stars is upon us. The new cast was announced a few weeks back, and now that it’s had a little time to sink in, I think I’m ready to comment.



This year’s former (or maybe not, we’re just waiting to hear from Justin) boy-band member, Lance Bass, joins a long line of distinguished ringers, including Joey McIntyre, Joey Fatone, and the other Lachey who isn’t Nick. This category of DWTS participant always does fairly well, thanks to their experience performing in front of large audiences and expertise in poorly choreographed dance moves. The big deal with Lance, though, was the rumor that the show might pair him with a male partner, you know… because he’s gay. As funny as that may or may not be to see, it’s kind of stupid rumor, because ballroom dancing is designed for a male/female partnership, and not because it’s prejudiced, but because ballroom dancing is all about the balance of masculine and feminine, which is entirely possible with two people of the same sex, but maybe that’s just too much sexual politics to get into on a primetime network reality tv program.

Lance will be dancing with none other than Lacey Schwimmer, third runner-up on last year’s season of So You Think You Can Dance. What a fun little crossover, huh? She was never really my favorite, but I think it’s a good pairing. I’ll be curious to see her choreography. I’m also curious to see how the show will handle Lance’s gayness. I feel like they have to mention it, if only to avoid a situation like that of Matthew Mitchum (that Austrailian Olympic diver), but my instinct says that won’t mention it very often. The part I need to figure out is… does it really matter?



Ha! How funny is it that this whole time, I thought her name was Misty May Treanor… like, her name was Misty Mae, instead of the May being her maiden name hyphenated to her married name. I’m an idiot.

Anyway, I’m tired of this lady, I’m not going to lie. I thought there was WAY too much coverage of beach volleyball during the Olympics, especially because they were such favorites to win. I mean, if it’s such a foregone conclusion, why do I need to watch (EVERY NIGHT FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK!)? And I could barely recognize her in this picture without her sunglasses and bikini – and miles and miles of sand.

Female athletes on this show are hit or miss – last season we had the Yamaguchi (yay!) and Monica Seles (oooooo, sorry girl). I wonder how Misty Mae will fit in? Not that it matters… she’s paired with MAXSIM!!! Oh. My. God. I missed him so.



Now, I watched Rocco DiSpirito’s show, The Restaurant. It was a good show, but I kind of thought he was a douche. And I will never understand why some people find him so sexy… because, um… yeah, he’s not sexy. He is paired with my favorite female dancer, Karina Smirnoff. She’s my favorite because she is such a poor sport. I love watching her make bitch faces and basically disparage the American public right to our faces. She just seems so over this show sometimes, and I find that refreshing.



Warren Sapp has one up on last year’s football player, Jason Taylor, in that I have at least heard of him. I can’t say it goes any further than that. Look, it’s Kym Johnson! I love her a little bit, and I’m happy to see her get paired with a contestant that could do well. Last year, it was Penn Jillette, and we all know how that went.



Oh, poor, poor Edyta. She got stuck with… this guy. I say “this guy” because I see him everywhere, and yet I have no interest in seeing more of him. Maybe that’s mean… Jeffrey Ross is kind of funny, I guess, but he won’t last very long, if we go by past precedent. These comedians are appealing to a demographic that doesn’t watch this show (unless they’re forced), so they come on and make a few jokes and dance badly (they can’t be bothered to take it seriously) and then they get kicked off. I guess they couldn’t give Edyta anyone better because she placed 2nd last season.



I might have to pull for Ted McGinley. I mean, it’s Jefferson, for God’s sake, how can I not? I’ve always had a thing for Ted McGinley – isn’t he handsome? And I always like to pull for TV actors who are going through a slump. If we’ve learned anything, we now know that appearing on this show is like career CPR. Just look at Jennie Garth and Mario Lopez…

I wish him the best, but he’s got his work cut out for him. He has been paired with a new Pro, and that usually spells disaster. On this show, the public seems to vote for the Pros just as much as they vote for the contestants, so getting paired with a no-name is like the kiss of death. That is, unless they’re really hot, like Mark Ballas. Mmmm…. Mark Ballas.



OMG, Toni Braxton. I thought she was dead! Or really sick! Or otherwise incapacitated. Where the hell has she been? This is making me want to dig out my old tapes… Unbreak my heaaaaaaaart… say you LOVE me agaiiiiiiiin… Anyway, it’s good to see her. And she looks fabulous. I hope this will give her partner, Alec Mazo, the chance to make it past the first round. That guy has had the worst luck.



I absolutely love Cloris Leachman. She was the only thing I liked about Spanglish. But I’m not sure how I feel about her being on this show. I mean, I know there has to be an old person every season, but she’s 82. How old is too old? I don’t care how good of shape she’s in, an 82 year old body is fragile, and I’m not eager to see her break a hip or something on live T.V.

The main thing is these dances have to be good, or else the show is incredibly boring. I’m not sure she’ll be able to do the fast and difficult dances well enough to be enjoyable to watch. I would feel better about it if I knew anything about her partner, but it’s another new guy. In fact, it’s Mark’s dad. And his name is Corky. God, what if your dad’s name was Corky? I would be Mortified.



Oh, great. It’s one of those G*ddamn Kardashians. Have you ever watched their reality show? Trust me, it’s hard to get through; I’ve only managed to watch one episode. The scary thing is Kim is probably the most… and I’m struggling to find the right word… acceptable out of the whole family, even if she is just a very large ass with a very small brain… and lots of weave. I’m counting on her to make good on this show and make me like her, because she has been paired with Mark Ballas. Being allowed to dance with him, much less touch him, is an honor far above the likes of her, and she better to everything she can to deserve it. And she better be likeable, too, because if America hates her and votes her off, and I don’t get to see Mark more than two or three times… I am going to be SO PISSED!



Wait. Isn’t Cody Linley, like, 12? And isn’t he one of those Disney kids? You know, if they were trying to fill the Tween heartthrob niche, I feel like they could have done better than this. Although, I can’t think of anyone right now. Maybe that’s a good thing.

Anyway, he’s paired with Julianne Hough, and that is… a whole lot of blonde.



Julianne’s brother, Derek, is paired with Brooke Burke. If I’m to believe her wikipedia page, Brooke Burke has quite the career, but I’ve never heard of her. That’s not surprising, though, considering her main claim to fame is her long string of Maxim covers. I don’t read that magazine, obviously.



This show seems to be obsessed with Olympic Gold, because here’s another champion, Maurice Green. I remember him, I think, from Sydney and Athens. I predict he will do very well. Besides the fact that he’s an amazing athlete, he is paired with probably the best coach and choreographer in the competition, although you wouldn’t know it based on that picture up there. Geez, Cheryl looks like a giant bird trapped in a cotton candy machine.



And finally, La Lucci will dance for us, escorted by the Swarm King, Tony Dovalani. I only know Susan Lucci in the trivia sense, having never watched soap operas, or been interested in the day-time Emmy’s, but it will be fun to have her around. I know she’s quite hammy and funny, and she’s perfect for this audience. I don’t think she’ll win, but I suspect she’ll last quite a while, getting by purely on audience goodwill and decent dancing.



There you have it – the cast of Season 7. It’s a good group – most everyone seems in good shape, and perfectly capable of pulling off a good mambo. Personality is always a huge factor, but it will be even more important this year, because I think the dancing will be evenly matched across the board. Of course I’m pulling for Lance – that’s automatic. But besides him, I’m pulling for Toni Braxton and MAXSIM and MARK BALLAS.

I’m kind of sad about Louis Van Amstel taking the season off… and Jonathan Roberts is missing, too! I wonder where they are… waltzing together…