Monday, June 09, 2008

So You Think You Can Dance Auditions: Salt Lake City...

The auditions for Season 4 of So You Think You Can Dance are finally over, and what did we learn? Some people are good movers, but not good dancers. Some people are good dancers, but not good enough for the show. Some people make Mary Murphy scream/cry/rant, or make Nigel Lythgoe irrationally angry for no apparent reason, all of which is fine because at least they can say they got on T.V. But most importantly, this show seems to understand that six hours of this crap is all any viewer should have to endure, no matter how many “good” or “bad” or “ugly” or “mentally unstable” characters show up to audition.

After the L.A. auditions (remember: that was where we met Jonathan Anzalone, and our world was changed forever), Show traveled to Salt Lake City, Utah, home of David Archuleta, Donny and Marie, and a whole mess of Mormons. Big, smothering, resource-consuming families abounded, including that of our first contestant, who has 58 brothers (Ok, five).

Her name is Chelsie and she has a sad story to tell about foreclosed homes and repossessed cars, which is sad, yes, but massive families with financial woes isn’t a new thing by any stretch of the imagination. She’s bubbly, blonde, and has a killer set of stems - and she’s a decent ballroom dancer to boot. She even choreographed her eyebrows, whatever the hell that means. (Actually, what it is… is a free compliment that doesn’t mean anything – like when you get an A in gym class)

The next shining star is Gev, who calls himself an ice-breaker, so-called because he performs break-dancing tricks on ice. Not only can he dance but he’s really useful to have around at dinner parties. Get it?

Because he’s an Ice Breaker? Aaaaaaaaannyway…

Lindsey made it straight to Vegas, despite the fact that she dances just like every high school dance team captain you’ve ever known, complete with alternately crazy and vacant eyes. I thought she was a mess, but the judges called it right by sending her straight through because she wouldn’t be challenged by the choreography. This will happen several more times in these audition episodes, which is frustrating, but I guess that’s just how it is.

Kelli has a good story. Her mom is an Emmy-winning choreographer, but that hasn’t always been an advantage. I can tell by the way she talks about it that she’s been surrounded her whole life by hateful bitches who accuse her of getting ahead because of her mommy. Well, that actually does happen, I’m sure, but Kelli definitely has the goods. Her contemporary routine is flawless. She’ll be one to watch.

Matt will gladly clear out the cob-webs on your ceiling with that hair of his, but only after he performs a technically perfect, if not a little predictable contemporary routine. Nigel hates the shorts, supposedly because it messes with Matt’s lines, but I like to think Nigel just couldn’t think of anything bad to say and that was the first thing he thought of.

Kortney and Michelle are best friends, and since they share everything, including life stories, I’ll describe them together. They are pretty, sad, pretty sad, co-dependant fitness trainers who’ve come – together – to continue being exactly the same at the same time. Long story short, the judges play along, and both girls manage to get through to Vegas after proving themselves in the choreography round.

And then there was Ryan, who works at a strip club. When Ryan informs the judges of his less than savory career, Nigel says, “Fantastic Job!,” like he means it, and you just know he does, which proves to me that Nigel is a dirty old man at heart, and I just can’t hate him for it. Anyway, Ryan does this weird fusion of breakin’, poppin’ and lockin’, and contemporary that is visually interesting, I suppose, but not really indicative of any real talent. I was also incredibly distracted by the giant metal balls hanging from his bottom lip, not only because it makes him look like a recently caught herring, but also because it looks like it hurts. Anyway, for some reason, all the judges love him and pass him to choreography, and somehow, he makes it through to Vegas. And then he cries… sweetly, and (hopefully) carefully, because you know those lip studs will rust. Ok… ok… I like the guy, but I’m not going to get attached because we all know he won’t make it to the Top 20.

Rounding out the rest of the auditions in Salt Lake were Nicole, who managed to drop her youngest of four children on its head in front of the cameras (complete with a very helpful *bomp* sound courtesy of the producers), and Brett, a lovely young gentleman with disabilities who clearly has more passion and ambition in his little finger than everyone else there combined. And let’s not forget the poor doofus who got on this show not because of his dancing, but because he couldn’t remember the names of all 146 of his kids. Good luck explaining that one to the Mrs.

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