Let’s start with a real winner.
Brian has bed-head, dandruff all over his black T-shirt, yellow to brown teeth, and a sour disposition. You just know he smells foul… and so does his routine. The only good thing about him is that he looks kind of like Mike Myers, if Mike Myers was a redneck. Basically, if Brian was green, he’d be the live action Shrek. He responds ever so diplomatically to the judges’ negative remarks by spewing out all of my favorite Reality T.V. rejection lines… something about “I’m a rebel with a cause,” and “I’m my own self,” and of course, the obligatory, “kiss my American ass,” as if hating on bad dancing is strictly a British pastime. YAY DALLAS! Represent!! Oh… PERIOD!
Clearly, everything’s bigger (and more deluded) in Texas. Here’s Chad: he’s an Ultimate Fighting “Champ” and a line-dancing instructor. He’s very sincere, which makes the next 10 minutes even sadder. He tears his hamstring (umm… ow)during warm-ups, but decides to perform anyway, because he doesn’t give up, or anything like that, because “anything in life that is perfect is a series of mistakes,” so I guess the mistake of performing with a serious injury is going to be so perfect that we’ll all go blind. Ignoring Nigel’s advice to sit this one out, Dave delivers a routine full of country-western stepping, ballet leaps, and contemporary affectations, resulting in the most unintentionally bad routine I’ve seen so far this season. Clearly, he’s in a lot of pain, and I admire his heart, but Mary says it best, “Even if you had your hamstring, I’m not sure I would have said yes.” Ouch! Mary is always happy to add insult to your injury.
Paige is a Pageant Princess who loves Pink. She is my nightmare. She shows up to the auditions in a hot pink rhinestone top, drawls about her straight A average, and we even get to meet her pageant coach! Her audition is as one would expect… robotic, pageaty, and very pink. Since I’m way too frightened of her to give an accurate assessment, we’ll just go with what Nigel says. He calls her a pirouetting set of teeth, which… HAHA. Next, he calls her dancing “Stepford Dancing”, which is just so perfect. Mary calls her out for her lack of emotion. And yet… they pass her through to choreography, which she breezes through. It seems this pink menace will follow us to Vegas. Be afraid.
Arielle and John both suck in all sorts of ways. She’s completely oblivious to the fact that John is obsessed with her and probably does dirty things to her gym bag when she’s not looking. John seems sweet until he stares just a few hours too long at his partner’s boobs while there is a camera RIGHT there watching him do it. Their routine is all lifts and no dancing, except for that part where John sort of slips and almost drops the poor girl on her face. It’s too bad, though, because that, at least, would have been interesting. Anyway, since she is very pretty (I believe the phrase ‘cutie patootie’ is used), Arielle is sent straight to Vegas, leaving John to fend for himself in the choreography round, in which he, of course, blows it big time, but it’s cool, because he only showed up so he could score points with Arielle anyway.
We can’t forget Cassidy, who thought she was awesome until Nigel informed her otherwise, and now she’ll NEVER DANCE AGAIN!
And then there was Joshua, who put on the best breaker/popper audition ever, and still had to suffer through choreography…
And finally, Steven, who was so bad and so nasty about it that he made Mary swear on T.V. Frankly, all I could think about as I watched him was one of my favorite songs from the early 90’s. Maybe you remember it.
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