Monday, April 21, 2008

The Latin Week that Wasn't...

Last week’s Dancing with the Stars had to be the dullest Latin Episode in recent memory. Once again, I’m going to have to chalk the boredom up to a certain lack of Maxsim’s sexy. This show just isn’t the same.

So, rather than recap, I’ll just share a few pointless observations.

First, I think someone has spiked the punch over in the costume department. I mean, I know the aesthetic for ballroom dancing costumes lies somewhere between the Icecapades and your neighborhood Circus Sideshow, but this is getting ridiculous. One can only conclude that after six seasons of inhaling toxic sequins and wallowing in cheap faux fur, this team of supposedly talented and inspired costume designers has resorted to playing riotous games of sartorial Mad-Libs, resulting in strange, mutant costumes from the Planet Fug.

Karina’s look here is obviously Princess Leia goes to Sesame Street. She looks like she just had a vicious throw-down with Big Bird and lived to tell the tale, so at least the force is with her.

Shannon Elizabeth’s look is Malibu Barbie meets Minute Maid Orange Juice… or Cheetos… or anything else orange and unappetizing.

Priscilla got stuck with an oversized mesh shirt. It’s very Flashdance meets Medieval Times. Apparently, she’s a maniac… maniac on the jousting pitch.

Not even Team Yamaguchi was spared from the costume department’s mischief.

Kristy looks fine, if not a little sherberty… but Mark Ballas. Poor guy. I imagine life is tough for the likes of him, and all the other male figure skaters, male cheerleaders, male synchronized swimmers, male ballet dancers, and male flag twirlers of the world. I mean, I know, and you know, that just because a guy is a ballroom dancer doesn’t mean he is a big Mo, but still… I imagine red-blooded heterosexual ball room dancers like Mark Ballas get a lot of crap from narrow-minded people. Do you remember last season, when Mark and Sabrina were partners, and they basically did everything but have intercourse on live T.V., and everyone was so shocked when she got eliminated, but I wasn’t surprised at all, because I understand that there’s nothing the straight-female-of-a-certain-age voting base dislikes more than a fresh, young upstart like Sabrina totally landing one of the hottest guys in the competition and then making out with him in front of everyone, and it probably didn’t help that Mark Ballas lost whatever gay voters he had when he continuously groped and fondled his partner, not only during sexy Latin dances, but all the other times in between (and I’m not saying he was wrong for acting gross with Sabrina, I’m just saying that heterosexual PDA really doesn’t do anything for me)… so what I’m saying is… I know Mark Ballas isn’t gay, and he doesn’t need to do anything to prove it to me, which is what I thought he was doing all last season, namely PROVING it and trying to PROVE it all the damn time. It’s called overcompensation.

So Mark Ballas is straight, and he probably doesn’t appreciate it when people call him gay just because he’s a ballroom dancer, and I am totally sympathetic about stuff like that because, well… it IS unfair just to assume that just because he likes to twirl and flounce and wear sparkly clothes that he’s gay. So, Mark Ballas is decidedly not gay, and he will continue to make sure everyone knows it. This outfit, however… isn’t helping at all.

Is there anything gayer than a lavender leisure suit? I didn’t think so. And in a most unfortunate flashing of the camera… this…

He’s SQUEEEEING. Now I am personally acquainted with many a gay man who SQUEEEES. Hell, I’ve been known to SQUEEEE myself if the situation calls for it. But I don’t know any straight men who SQUEEES. That is, unless they’re making fun of me, in which case… they just SQUEEE’D their last SQUEEEE… And the fact that he got caught SQUEEEEING in lavender, the gayest of hues, is just… well, it’s funny, isn’t it?


Mary said...


George said...

Ryan, seriously, this is pop culture trash criticism GENIUS! SQUEE? I LOVE IT! I will totally use it, and of course show proof of purchase (if anyone asks).
You really could have your own tv show in the genre of Chelsea Handler except smarter, more diverse, and varied in both depth and scope. Btw, I'm moving to NYC with you when you get your show there, ok? Great!

Reeva*Dubois said...

Seriously, Chelsea Handler is a Goddess. I take that as quite a compliment :-)

Roommates again in NYC? It's so crazy... it just might happen!!